MJ Schrader Viva La Vida

With one statement she brought me to tears. It wouldn’t be the last time I cried that weekend, nor that week.  And for days it seemed tears were always on the edge of spilling over.

Accidentally stepping on a ball the week before, smashing into a wall so hard it left bruises on my shoulder, knee and head (that order of seriousness) and twisting my back muscles in attempt to save myself, I didn’t cry.  In fact later I laughed over it…  (as much as you can laugh after being very sore from hitting a wall.)

What did she say that brought me to tears?

“You need to stop running after everything… you have too many goals” Stephanie Raindow Bell was doing some spiritual coaching.  Renee Corbett is my work coach, so this was different. Stephanie told me her goals and how she was told to focus on one.

How could I sacrifice writing for WordPress? How could I sacrifice coding for writing? How could I sacrifice friendship now that I am finally developing friends? Do I really have to choose just one?

I had already made a commitment to something… driving hours to help a friend after surgery. The friend  ”didn’t need help” but there was more to it than helping the friend. I wasn’t certain what that was.

Was it to show that asking for help was not a bad thing? I used to think asking for help was bad. Was it to show being a devoted friend?

The drive there left me still reeling from her statement and wondering how devoted, her statement, helping the friend,  the varying “work” projects, and my dog being in the back seat, were related. They all were. But how? Why?

The weekend turned into just a 20 hour visit, that included tearing pickets off a fence then putting them back.  (Thank you Dad for long ago training me to always carry tools in my trunk.)  Somehow this was related as well, I knew it. How could all this random be related?  It was so confusing. Read more »

Ok, in the last post I talked about my one word theme for 2011. Before I tell you my word for 2012, do you understand the one word theme?

It was something I read on Mari Smith’s blog years ago. But the basic concept is that for many of us it is pretty hard to make resolutions that you will still be doing a month from now, never mind a few months or a year.

The one word theme gives you a touchstone that you can decide and factor into the things you do. You can use it to change multiple areas of your life.   Or use it as a guide, something you want to align yourself with to grow throughout the year.

2010 I believe my word was Growth.
2011  the word was Change.
2012 This year my word is Devoted.

On FB someone asked about one word themes and someone responded their word was “Devoted” the word resonated within me.

While visiting friends in Austin,  I really tested and felt out “Devoted.”  Sitting at The Oasis surrounded by beautiful bright shining people I knew DEVOTED was 2012.    (Thank you Jillian for being my host)

It was such a cool experience to spend the New Year far away from home surrounded by people who hadn’t met me in person, who loved me anyway.   They accepted the fact that I disappeared from time to time, for my solitary nature.   The experience filled my heart up to overflowing.

Then we visited the Oasis that had the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen in a while.  Hard to enjoy sunsets surrounded by houses and trees, so this “straight line access” was wonderful.  And inside was a group of 7 women all rockstars, all business owners working towards improving relationships, the world and their inner selves.

Why devoted? Read more »

Friendships have been on my mind quite a lot recently.

Seems my friendships are in flux right now. In 2010 I lost ones who had been my best friends prior. They did not accept that I changed, so they no longer speak to me. Guess that means our lives changed too much to have a future in common.

Now I have new friends, although only a few “close” ones, but we are close online, not physically.  This means currently I am trying to decide how to rebuild my inner circle and what makes a good friend.

“We’re friends aren’t we?”

There is someone who keeps asking me this. Each time “Questioner” asked, I felt the ranking of “yes” slip further and further away. Truth is, I’ve never felt comfortable around “Questioner.” There is a coldness and yet smugness. Read more »

To speak, or not to speak…. that is the question.

Perhaps it is not which option is right, but which option is the best for the most people. In the Wrath of Khan, Spock dies… to the words of “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few or the one.”

Yet while the story could help others, it almost literally destroyed me last time I tried to confess it. Last time I lost “friends,” (although there’s a funny story in it), left my church for years and nearly did something very stupid.

So while I think the story needs telling, now that I consider the previous cost, I don’t think I am strong enough to bear that cost right now.

Read more »

Yesterday I told you about the day after Thanksgiving.

While it felt good to see him again after a year (to the day), and even kiss him, it felt pretty crummy to keep his touches appropriate. It felt good that he said he’d like to see me again and was planning future dates (long distance) but it felt crummy because it seemed like something he was doing so I’d agree to invite him home. It felt really crummy that he cussed when I left, but felt good that I went home alone.

But calling me repeatedly between 2:22 and 2:58, waking to find that he unfriended me. And when I called at 8 am, it seems all the phone calls were to tell me how we “didn’t see each other” and shouldn’t say that cause his family questioned him, (at 2am?) and he unfriended me to keep me from saying anything else.

Of all the things that happened this phone call bothered me the most. So I emailed a couple girl-friends and asked their opinions of what in the world had happened and was I wrong…

Well, they all agreed he acted like a jerk and I shouldn’t feel bad. And agreed it hurts to be turned into the villain. They gave different reasons for why he did it, which I needed, because I am a woman and I wanted to hear different opinions to decide what my truth was…

But here is the truth…

Read more »