Today 2 friends on social media were discussing how modern technology has made us further apart and closer.  I see both, but the more I thought about it, and something else that has been on my mind, I realize I have a  relatable relationship with Tony Stark, (Iron Man).

Ok, he’s a billionaire, genius, philanthropist, playboy… and well, I’d like to be a billionaire, so I could be a philanthropist.  I’m hardly a genius, and don’t care to be a player.

His parents like mine, were big into knowledge.  They taught me to reach for an encyclopedia whenever I wanted to know something.  They taught me that knowledge is the key to many many doors.   They taught me many skills, which enabled me to do more than what those skills would normally be for.  This is how Tony is able to build his newest armor from scraps.

Wait, this is all one confusing post.

Yes, I know it sounds confusing.  See the deal with Tony Stark is when you are intelligent (not just IQ), you become different than some of the population.   When you view knowledge as power, you separate yourself from the population.   But when you view knowledge not as power, but life itself, you ARE separate from the majority of the population.  You aren’t trying to separate yourself, but your life does.  People look at you differently, simply because the world itself is completely different in your brain and in your view of life.

Tony Stark has Pepper, Happy (Chauffeur / bodyguard)  and Rhodes (War Machine).  He has a small circle because most have trouble relating to his need for knowledge, unfortunately that need for knowledge comes off as being rude and arrogant.  (Yes, he is more rude and arrogant than just the need for knowledge allows).

But that need for knowledge means it’s hard to find friends.  It also means it’s hard to trust people.  People want to use you, for you heart, your capabilities.  You really want to know who your real friends are but you need to look up the latest reports on some subject on your mind now.

Social Media means you can reach out to others in a feeble attempt to make a connection in between reading a business book,  a WordPress plugin, how to secure communications, and natural dog food.  (You think I’m joking?  These are just a few windows open on my computer).

The feeble attempt doesn’t really gain you any friends in person.  This social media relationship attempt doesn’t change that you eat alone.  It doesn’t change that you work in your office alone.  It doesn’t change the fact that on your birthday you had a hundred  ”happy birthday” messages on Facebook, two phone calls, and two real interactions; coffee with a friend…. and the next day a movie with your mom.

It’s not that I don’t want more friends in person.  In some ways I have tons of friends.  Here’s the Social Media benefit, because of social media I can quickly make a Doctor Who comment and some understand, I can make a comment about business others understand, make a comment about Tony Stark and some understand.

Yes, indeed, I have not read comics nor seen more than a few episodes of Doctor Who in years, but I am in love with the mythos and know people who love it as well, even if they are more or less involved.  This is far better than the misfit feeling that I felt growing up with those loves.

But I’m still alone.

This post was originally about how lonely I’ve felt lately. Note: Lonely is different than alone.  I’ve had 6 brief hugs in the past 3 weeks.  That has been my only physical contact with people and includes my birthday.

Get a roommate, it’d help with your finances and give you company.  The problem goes back to Tony Stark again… I need my space, (plus room for 2 cats & 2 dogs).  My single bathroom is smaller than some handicap stalls.   I don’t want to share my space with a roommate, whom may actually make me feel more lonely because then I wouldn’t feel the comfort in walking around the house multiple times a day, going in and out to think…  Recently I realized part of my problem with this house is that my neighbors are too close, I don’t have that comfortable space in my backyard.  The only time I feel the comfort of space is when I’m walking in the neighborhoods with few houses and much land.

Others will condemn me for saying I feel lonely, because they are alone a lot themselves.  One who has told me this repeatedly is married.  She loves her husband, they are together most nights, she has children who visit…

But when I am sick, or in pain, or having a birthday and think through my mental Rolodex of who can I call, I feel the pain Tony felt in telling Pepper, he felt lonely, and wanted to know someone was there for him.  Like Tony I’m trying to get better about reaching out to my friends… but I know my friends are busy with their lives, unlike Tony, I know I’m not great at communication.  I try, but the squirrels inside my brain distract me with thoughts on writing, business, the movie commercial I saw out of the corner of my eye, the fact the couple behind us just talked about bison cheese, and then me mentally noting I need to look that up later….

A friend said “you choose how to spend your birthday.”  Unlike Tony Stark, I don’t have the money or popularity that people would come to a birthday party just because.  I don’t have money to jump on a jet to visit my friends in Oregon, Austin or Cali.  I went through my mental list of local friends to go with me to do something in Dallas…  and I came up with a list of people who would tell me, “I would but my husband (kids/both) will be at home and I want to spend time with him.”   And again I can relate to the pain Tony felt in feeling lonely.

It’s temporary.  I like being alone, but sometimes I’d like to be alone less often.

Live, Laugh, Love

MJ Schrader

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We should do lunch you say. Catch up you say.
It’s been years my friend. We are different people than we were then.

I know I was very different. It’s been lifetimes since then, even if the actual number is closer to 15.

To borrow from Star Trek…

“you were and always shall be my friend.”

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The other day a friend posted the following question on Facebook, “Do you have someone whom you tell your secrets to?”

I don’t, well unless we count here.  This is about as honest as I get.

A few days later someone posted, “Do you have someone you can call whenever you need something?”

uh, my parents?

Yesterday someone posted, “Where did you meet your best friend?”

Still taking applications.

And at this point I suddenly realize my panic attacks of the past year are related to this.

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Four days ago, I had a panic attack.  Not my first one.  I’ve had 4 in the past 15 months.

The first one was actually the same time a then friend was having one.  He went to the hospital with his.  I was 4 hours drive away, not knowing he was having one, and yet I was having one the same time.  That day there was a “company call” where all the contract workers were to call and discuss with the client our (lack of) pay and the company going forward.  The client was 2 checks behind, promised to make it right.

We all got to talk to the client, but during the call I noticed my chest hurting.  Then it

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It all started Friday. ”What are your plans for Memorial Day weekend? Any birthday plans?”

No.  No plans.  I don’t know anyone grilling.  Don’t know of anyone doing anything fun.

Monday: ”What are your plans for Memorial Day? Any birthday plans?”

No.  No plans.  I don’t know anyone grilling.  Don’t know of anyone doing anything fun.

Tuesday: “Tomorrow’s your birthday… any plans?”

No.  No plans.

I’m trying to blow it off, like it’s no big deal.  I mean last year I was in complete denial of my birthday that I didn’t want any plans and just wanted the day to vanish.

This year I wanted plans.  I wanted to have a big 40+1 birthday bash.  Somehow I’d get the biggest goal of my list of 40 things I wanted to do in this 40th year, which was get a book autographed by Wil Wheaton.  No, not one off eBay that’s addressed to someone else, his autograph and addressed to me.

Well, that didn’t happen.

I did reach some goals, not that one, and not others.

——-

“You have a choice, have some fun, only you can keep you from having fun”

And someone will read this blog and tell me how selfish I am.  And someone who is married and goes on regular trips with her husband and grown kids and eats with them regularly and goes to bed with her husband, will tell me “they are alone all the time as well, and I need to learn to appreciate being alone.”

Yes, I know I ‘have a choice’ but my choice is to have fun with my dogs, or to plan to go out by myself.  My mom is busy.  My friends who are in the area have kids, they don’t go out at night, and have to make arrangements, which typically means a 90 minute lunch is their limit.  Another friend is a Russian roulette of fun or not.  Plus I really wanted to go out with a group.

But again my choice is by myself or by myself, and frankly I live alone, I eat alone a majority of my meals.  Even when I go out to eat, I still eat alone.  And there have been times when I go out to eat with others, and STILL eat alone.  At least that dinner was amusing.

I have had 2 birthday parties where I invited over a dozen people and no one showed.  Fortunately they were at places where people were, so I could pretend it was “all about me” for just a bit.

The alone bit has been bothering me lately.  See other than the Seinfeld like episode, I haven’t gone out with a guy in 3 years as of my birthday.  And the Seinfeld episode would only have been a date to him, because that was a guy I met, that asked me out to coffee a few times, and a friend kept saying, “you should give him another chance” when he’d say, “Let’s do something” each time was a bit odder than the last.

Three years ago, I didn’t break up with the long distance boyfriend earlier because this last visit would mean I’d have birthday with his family.  The day of my birthday, his brother wished me happy birthday and gave me a cup of coffee.  His brother had arranged a Memorial Day cookout that day, when the event was almost over my “boyfriend” pulled me aside to tell me how awful I was for making him look bad for not reminding him to tell everyone it was my birthday.

——-

And on that same day,  my grandmother had a stroke and died 2 weeks later.  My grandaddy died one year almost to the hour she did.  They wanted to be together that much.

I was married for 4 years, but that ended 16 years ago.  Dated a guy for almost 4 years, 1/2 of that was long distance so I only saw him once a month.  The boyfriend above was long distance the whole time, and while we dated 15 months, I should have ended it 4 months sooner.  Maybe relationships aren’t my thing.  But I have friends around the world.  I meet people every few months now, that most people dream of meeting.  So why do I feel alone?

—

While I don’t have Wil Wheaton’s autograph, I do have a Star Trek themed birthday.   I have never had a themed birthday.  It all started 10 days ago, with going to Dallas Comic Con and meeting 3 people from Star Trek: The Next Generation.  This means I’m only 2 degrees from having met Wil Wheaton, who was Wesley Crusher on the show.

I was going to get my picture with Nathan Fillion of Firefly, but he had pinkeye.   I did get a picture with Adam Baldwin, also of Firefly fame.

But I said Star Trek birthday theme;  kast week, Mike Morgan sent a link to get the writer’s guide to the original Star Trek series.  A few days ago “Oh Myyyy” by George Takei arrived!  It was an autographed version.

Since the Star Trek theme started 11 days before my birthday, I figure I’ll let it continue for 11 days.   Because while I figured I would wind up watching Star Trek Into Darkness before my birthday I haven’t.  So I’ll be watching it sometime this coming week, probably not tomorrow.  I will probably be designing websites tomorrow.

Another reason the theme is extending is that sometime later this week I will be getting “Beam me up Scotty” by James Doohan WITH HIS AUTOGRAPH.  You may wonder why that’s capitalized…. James Doohan passed away in 2005.  His ashes were sent up into space in 2012.

Who knows, maybe even more Star Trek stuff will come.  :)

And I’ll have a ton of friends online wish me happy birthday.  I may not get a physical hug, but at least I’ve met Star Trek legends and have virtual hugs.

 

So my birthday plans are to smile at my Star-Trek themed birthday, thank my friends for FB greetings, and work, that’s the way my life is.

Live Long and Prosper

MJ Schrader

 

 

 

 

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Always use the safety or you could cut off your thumb, like I did.

ok, ok, I didn’t cut off all of my thumb.

I just cut off part of it.

The side of my thumb.

Why?

“Because I woke up this morning and thought to myself, ‘Self, you know what we should do today?  Cut off part of my thumb.  Cause we haven’t done anything like that yet.’”

So that’s not how it happened.  I got a dehydrator and a mandolin.

And decided my first thing to fix with said dehydrator would be “dried apples.”  I was cautious.  I knew the blade was sharp, a dull blade would not work.  However while I was cautious and knew to be cautious, the apple did not listen.  So I’m slide apple, slice apple, slide apple, slice apple, slid….  apple sticks, slice thumb.

Me: Wow, that was probably not good.

Look at thumb, briefly see it’s DEEP, blood starts flowing.  Flooding.  My whole body starts tingling in pain, making me realize I just cut off some nerves.

Hold a cloth over my thumb, it doesn’t stop. In the bathroom I do a quick rinse and hold.  It doesn’t stop bleeding.  Through that spot on the washcloth.  Pull off and re-wrap.  Through that one.  Pull off, re-wrap.  Somewhere in 5 or 6th wrap I am starting to worry it’s never going to stop.  Another one or two I call my mom.  When I tried to cut my finger off (chopping frozen foodstuffs) it was the ice that stopped the pain and probably bleeding.  So I add an ice cube to the washcloth wrap and hold.  I sliced almost to the bone the previous time without going to the hospital so I refuse to go this time.

It takes well over 40 minutes to get it to finally slow enough that I can take off the wrap and quickly add a bandage and it not get instantly soaked.  It took 2 days before I could take off the bandage without having to have the new bandage ready to apply instantly.  So I didn’t get a picture then, but apparently I cut off skin, nerves and almost hit the muscle underneath.

But the first picture I took, was after it was a week old.  The scab is “beneath the skin” to explain how deep it is.

It took 3 weeks for the scab to come out (not off, it was still under the skin) and still there is a dead spot on the side of my thumb, about the size of a pencil eraser.

I don’t like that, but it’s better than going to the hospital or cutting off more of my thumb.

Good news is, that this horrible incident has become a lesson for all my friends on Facebook.

Always use the safety device as pictured on the mandolin comparison above.  You and the object you are slicing may have very different definitions of “being safe.”  And if your safety device does not hold fruit or vegetable, or is too small to slice anymore, get you some “cut and slash resistant gloves” and if you are as skilled as I am with sharp objects, you probably should have them ANYWAY.

And that boys and girls is how I cut off my own thumb…

MJ Schrader

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Ok, I wasn’t really in a Seinfeld Episode, but after telling a friend about it, I suddenly realized I was in a way.  And we got to laughing about how funny this whole episode would be if it had been Elaine instead of me.

This actually happened a few months ago.  While it was crazy and funny, I didn’t want to share the story right away because I didn’t want to be disrespectful of him, but the story is too funny not to share…  names have been changed to protect the party involved.

 

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