30 Days of Truth Prompt Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
This one is hard. Although many people doubt it right now, I do not hold grudges. The problem is I have forgiven people and forgiven… until I became a doormat. Then in late June I realized what a doormat I had become, now I am trying to decide who is really my friend….
An old employer emailed (thankfully doesn’t have my phone number) recently wanting to “meet and we can talk.” Years ago this employer wanted me to work for them again. The previous boss there had not been the best. But this employer promised me things were better, and a nice big bonus after season. When the season ended, the bonus was about half of promised. The employer promised an even bigger bonus next time, a bonus that was 5 figures. The bonus received 1/10th promised.
Another employer promised me a pay raise and a job promotion when I started, and after a year instead promoted someone without the degree and with less experience. Then proceeded to demean me in front of other employees and even scream at me (multiple times) in the open office with clients and co-workers.
There are some “friends” that I have recently realized where not friends. These friends overlap. Some fit into all of these…
- The friends who invite me out to eat knowing I’ll pay more than my portion, to cover their portion of the tip, that they under pay. Now with my current job, I have asked them to switch electric companies and they haven’t even looked.
- The friends for whom I have dropped everything to help them. (and when I haven’t they have kept asking until I do) Yet they disappear when I need them, and won’t look at the business either.
- The friend that has called me all sorts of names, repeatedly lashed out at me and never apologized.
- The friend that invited me out to dinner, just to insult me, complain about and belittle every decision I have made.
So I forgive you, those whom I called “friends,” but I was not yours.
I forgive you for not respecting me.
I forgive you for treating me as a lesser citizen or an incompetent person.
I forgive you for believing you could take and never give, and that I should be grateful.
I forgive you for feeling that it was necessary to treat me bad.
I forgive you for not appreciating me and how much I did and still do care.
That being said, yes I still do care. Do not belittle me further and say, “Well, not like you care” because I no longer want to be your doormat. Do not belittle me by saying I deserve to be alone because I will no longer jump for you when you won’t help me. Relationships are about give and take. And refusing anything less does not mean that I do not care.
And for me, I am sorry that you feel that I am rude by wanting respect. And I am sorry if you choose to no longer “be friends” but if this is what makes you leave, then we were not friends.
To those who are my friends… I love you. Please forgive me when I question if you care about me. I am uncertain at this time, who does care and who does not. Please forgive me for when I do not give as much as I take. Please forgive me for when I am scared, or when the vomitous mass of emotions comes up.
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.