This is something I’ve heard several times this week.   Years ago, I repeated “but he has never hit me” while looking at a marriage that was so wrong.  So while I wanted to tell a story about New Mexico, this post is more important.

Regular readers know I was married.  Over 12 years have passed, since I asked for us to get counseling, instead after work the house was half empty.   Since then I dated guys with whom no future could exist.  As a counseling student I know my choices were to “keep me safe” because I didn’t want to trust anyone although now someone is knocking on my heart… but that’s for another post.

Dating my ex-husband, he held my hand and sent “BIG” gifts to work, things for permanent display.  Never roses, or dark blue irises that I love or flowers at all.  This was all show, but being young and dumb “this meant he loved me.”

Married; the affection he showed in public remained the same, or even grew.   The gifts were big and sent to work.  Flowers added after much pleading, were given at home with a “I got them from the grocery discount bin” which showed.   He barely talked to or touched me in private.   Praising my accounting degree he didn’t trust me with his bank information.   Yet  he never hit me.

After working a 12 hour day, I refused to cook, so he grudgingly bought food for us, although I got food poisoning so bad I slept in front of the toilet.  Fixing dinner I sliced my finger almost to the bone, neither time did he care.

When I disagreed, he would cup my ears, mashing his palms & my hair into my ears.  Then would “talk to me” except I couldn’t hear him, and it appeared he was mumbling.  If I wanted to be alone, he would grab my arm and force me to stay.  But he never hit me.

The contrary messages messed with my self-worth.   When I woke up, and saw every bone in my body was visible, I realized “He doesn’t hit me” isn’t good enough.

I deserve someone who can hold my hand, hug me or kiss me in public or private, in front of family or friends.  Someone willing to compromise and honor promises.  Someone who would get medicine for me, willing to watch shows I like.  I am laid back, but I am not a doormat.  This is almost 2010 and I am almost…. respect me for who I am, or walk away.  Respect, honor and most important love.  Put love first everything else will fall into place.

How about some you may have seen or heard.  Excessive teasing.  Berating someone in public.  Constantly accusing someone of cheating, being mad, sad, or whatever.  Name calling.  Finding a reason to fight.  Here’s one women use a lot, “you know why I am mad.”  He or she “doesn’t hit me” is not good enough for me.  And I am here to tell you, IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU EITHER.

So what if your significant other doesn’t hit you.  If you use that phrase, your relationship is probably an abusive relationship.  Ask for counseling, walk away, whatever, it is time for a change.  A relationship is compromise, honor, respect, and love.  Actually the first should be love.


“Doesn’t hit me” is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.    LOVE IS.

Sorry for the rant, but this is something my heart said to talk about this week.

MJ Schrader

Click here for Signs of Abuse

Now these 3 remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is ♥ LOVE ♥