Desserts…

Three flavors of ice cream are in freezer.  It’s been a while since I had that many flavors… yet each is vegetarian, and low sugar.  They use bananas as the base, 2 have yogurt and all 3 use enough Almond Milk that my blender will blend the ingredients into a soft structure.  1 has berries and vanilla, one has peanut butter, the last does not have yogurt but it has spinach, mint & choco chips.

One grandad was diabetic, one hypoglycemic and I have a sugar craving that is dangerous with that kind of familial history.  You tell me that cheesecake is too rich to eat alone, and I probably can eat it alone…. so sugars are being replaced with vegetarian, vegan and raw recipes modified to my acceptance of chocolate chips instead of cacoa nips.  Blending these things would be much easier with a Vitamix…. except that is $499, a Blendtec is a bit cheaper but doesn’t have a 7 year warranty… so I’d rather pony up… $499…

Stressed

Except for the fact that I want to go on a fabulous trip to see the private native side of Hawaii… my dream vacation, and it’s out of my current budget.  Admittedly that is higher than the $499 of the Vitamix… (TY PastryChefOnline for helping with that decision) but it’s also higher than the $50 a month to join a Martial Arts class that I’d like to join, but can’t currently spend money on…

Instead I debate $56 for Heartworm meds for 2 cats and 2 dogs or $65 for 2 pairs of walking shoes because the 2 pairs I bought last year (wearing alternate days) are worn out.

I kept thinking I would come back here in a few days and add a new post to update everyone, but I also kept thinking I would have news in a few more days and honestly this financial thing has me stressed.  Things were looking good in December.  I planned out the first 6 months of the year and how my expenses would be tight but I would be able to cover all the big expenses that the new year would bring.  Property Taxes, puppy, income taxes and internet and some smaller things that needed replacing… like the shoes.   Then like a train jumping the tracks the cars piled into each other in twisted wreckage, I realized I had been relying on one client too long and too much…

That is when I took some time off… Feb 26 to March 6 to analyze my life and decide on directions and what the next steps would be.  This involved drawing up mind maps, plans, schedules, proposals, emails, hiring and firing potential employees.  A vision emerging from the storm like a lighthouse…  but as much as I’d like to share that story it’s not the time just yet…

Puppy Breath Desserts

But here is a sweet story that isn’t a sugary dessert.  For over a year I’ve been planning to get a puppy.  A female, English Cocker Spaniel like Luna, preferably in gold or red.  Breeders had litters that all puppies were already claimed.  A breeder offered me a male.  A breeder offered an older dog (only a year but I wanted to get a puppy for new blood in a house of 10+ year old pets).  I helped raise a few litters by another breeder…

15 months, 7 attempts and then there was an email from a bird hunter…  ”The buyer for this puppy hasn’t contacted us… I have a gold female, if you are interested.”   A quick look at the parents pedigrees said this puppy would be a distant cousin of Luna.  Field Bred English Cocker Spaniel from the top birding line in the UK; Maesydderwen.  The Field Bred English Cocker Spaniel is the same type dog that Prince William and Princess Kate got in December.  With my fascination with the breed and my awe of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, I felt the puppy should have a related name…

Then weeks later and right before getting puppy is when I realized I had relied on a client too long.  Fortunately my parents helped.  Unfortunately they had to…  But they knew how many times I had tried to get “this puppy.”    And finally on Mar 17 Comanche Katie Belle came home.  Three homages paid, The Kennel, Princess Kate, and my first ECS, Belle.

She has unfortunately been on medicine since I brought her home, but expected things.  Her immune system is like a kindergartner, she’s still young, she’ll be fine in the future.   It would have been nice to avoid them, but the vet commented on how healthy she is and what good future she has.   She’s a smart little dog, pushing a box to jump on the couch, which got her in trouble.  Yet the medicine is part of the stress…

The other part is current craziness, I spent Monday (yesterday) with nearly 120 people,  then 60 something went to one court and our court was narrowed down 67 people who all got to spend the whole day waiting to see if we got Jury Duty.  ”Do you want $6 or go to Crime Victim’s Fund”  $6 oh the things I could buy with $6…  so I said Crime Victim’s.  Then today, I found out the “Body Control Module” which controls all electronics in my car has just gone south. … a wee bit more than $6 at $600 for the part…

Stressed or Desserts?

Thinking back, I have chosen jobs that paid 1/3 of what I should in hopes of owning part of the business.  A friend keeps telling me not to trust people online, yet it was the offline biz that cost the most.  Because of the choices of trying to get my own business and work for myself I haven’t made what I should.  I have sacrificed vacations, going out to eat, moving and much more just to keep my budget low and become independent.

It has meant going into debt when ventures go south.  It has meant that I have just scraped by, barely able to pay bills.  Yet, the independence has been a blessing, when my brother and his wife are in town I can visit them.  I can make plans without being constantly accountable.

This new venture which is just an expansion of the direction I’ve been heading for years and it has the possibility of eliminating this scraping by.  It has meant 6 weeks of writing and re-writing plans,  hiring people who disappear after I tell them it requires work and following the plans I’ve laid out…   I have Google Docs, Mindmaps, and plans for this business.

I want to go to Hawaii, this vacation has been my dream since I was 10 and my Great Grandmother went to Diamond Head on O’ahu.  The price is extremely reasonable, and then I sit here debating shoes or heartworm/flea meds and I wonder if the trip is even possible.  The stress headache that brought me down on Sunday and left me feeling extremely weak and exhausted on Monday as I sat on Jury Duty and still hangs on today makes me wonder….

but then again…

Alice: This is impossible.
Mad Hatter: Only if you believe it is.
Alice: Sometimes I believe as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast…

People who meet her quickly fall in love with her. She is very friendly, sociable and vocal. Yes, Luna loves to sing. She will sing on command, but she prefers to sing when she wants attention. It is her way of talking. But she likes to stand up and I am trying to break that little habit.

To learn more about Luna visit My Moon Dog

Please understand I will miss you, my wonderful friends and family!  If you want to shoot me a Skype msg, email or text, please do!  (You should be able to find those on FB or just look for me on skype) I would appreciate the love. No, I lie, I need the love right now.  So please just a quick ((HUGS))  or thinking of you… etc would be greatly appreciated, please understand if I don’t respond.

Yet this is currently my schedule for the next week… plan, plot, restructure, refine, redefine, strength, move, rebuild, and when I am not doing those I will be doing client work.  Some sleep, some goofing off just to give the brain a rest then back to it.  World domination is extremely hard work…

Do not be surprised if:

• You see my websites shut down.  Some may permanently, some temporarily, some may be going to other purposes
• You see websites change in appearance.  I have debated changing all headers to * RESTRUCTURING *
• You see FB pages shut down. Those will be permanent
• In order to close FB pages and do some of the restructuring yes, you may see me on FB, but it will be brief ventures.
• You should continue to see 365 posts, they should auto load to FB
• but the emails may not be regular
• The weekly and monthly emails will be made easier to find
• If I sound distracted should you call me.  (note I said please email, text or skype msg)
• If I sound very mechanical should I talk to you.  I don’t mean it rude but when I’m in this mode my brain is not as versatile on switching from professional to personal as normal.
• Yes, you and I may have talked business before, but I am not used to having someone I trust, and with these major changes I don’t even have the skills to explain what all is on my mind
• Should you text, email, or skype I may not respond back right away, or even for a few days.  But I will appreciate loving thoughts and understanding.  I will try to get back with everyone when this is done.

If you have previously asked me what services I / my company offers, please feel free to comment below…  you will be first on the contact list.  That is part of what I am restructuring.

I am sorry that this is not one of my posts that provides you with great information, that discusses changes or helps you find your path.   But I do know I love you, and I can say that as long as you stay true to yourself, your success will come.

Love,

MJ Schrader

Accidentally stepping on a ball the week before, smashing into a wall so hard it left bruises on my shoulder, knee and head (that order of seriousness) and twisting my back muscles in attempt to save myself, I didn’t cry.  In fact later I laughed over it…  (as much as you can laugh after being very sore from hitting a wall.)

What did she say that brought me to tears?

“You need to stop running after everything… you have too many goals” Stephanie Raindow Bell was doing some spiritual coaching.  Renee Corbett is my work coach, so this was different. Stephanie told me her goals and how she was told to focus on one.

How could I sacrifice writing for WordPress? How could I sacrifice coding for writing? How could I sacrifice friendship now that I am finally developing friends? Do I really have to choose just one?

I had already made a commitment to something… driving hours to help a friend after surgery. The friend  ”didn’t need help” but there was more to it than helping the friend. I wasn’t certain what that was.

Was it to show that asking for help was not a bad thing? I used to think asking for help was bad. Was it to show being a devoted friend?

The drive there left me still reeling from her statement and wondering how devoted, her statement, helping the friend,  the varying “work” projects, and my dog being in the back seat, were related. They all were. But how? Why?

The weekend turned into just a 20 hour visit, that included tearing pickets off a fence then putting them back.  (Thank you Dad for long ago training me to always carry tools in my trunk.)  Somehow this was related as well, I knew it. How could all this random be related?  It was so confusing.

At the Texas welcome station the security guard stopped to ask about my dog. He told me about his dog, where he was from, how his dad had surgery after his internal organs twisted and how close life and death were. At a Jimmy Johns I saw the VW bug below.

This was an adventuresome weekend.

Yet as I dismissed the apologies of my friend and said the trip was about resolving questions… my answers were still muddy. Then the dear friend made a huge faux pas for me. “Where do you meet men?” “You should do meetups.”

Suddenly the last relationship, and many of the ones before came flooding back. I was nauseated, sweating and crying so hard I couldn’t see. Yet finally answers started flooding in. Whatever reason they may have loved pieces of me, but not the whole me. The coder, writer, pet owner, painter, walker, vitamin eating, sweet addicted, fried hater, that I am. I am just now getting friends who love the whole me.

But there it was… the answer. It was what I had mouthed earlier, but the full power of it hit.

I am devoted to just one thing… LOVE

I love coding WordPress websites. It’s my drug.
I love writing. It’s part of who I am.
I love to paint. It’s my release.
I love my friends. They are my heart outside of me.
I love my family. It may be small, but they are my family.
I love my pets, they make my house home.
I love my computer, for it contains my writing, websites, and friends.

I went on that trip, not to help my friend,  or showing that asking for help wasn’t bad, I went because love was there and more love was needed for healing. The dog was in the backseat because the temps were dropping, yes, but I needed her love for backup.  This was the same love that was in my heart when I gave a friend a long saved $100 bill while unemployed.

The whole trip there and back, “I love you” is what I repeated.

The one word theme is about one goal. Devoted to love. Getting rid of anything that is not love, and developing and strengthening anything that is.

If someone uses guilt or shame to try to get me to do something, it is not love.  So their request will be denied.  The friend whom I do not trust with personal information will still be kept at arm’s length, because that is where the love is, no closer.

I’ve been more richly blessed in ways I can not express since then. Little things, writing has flowed easier. More coding work. A new client. Surprises from friends. Sweet messages that have meant the world.  Long missed sleep.

So what is your lesson? I am not certain. Perhaps pick your goal. Make it just one goal.  Cut away everything that is not your goal.  Grow what is… take daily action steps towards it.  You will grow.

Live, Rock On, Love

MJ Schrader

It was something I read on Mari Smith’s blog years ago. But the basic concept is that for many of us it is pretty hard to make resolutions that you will still be doing a month from now, never mind a few months or a year.

The one word theme gives you a touchstone that you can decide and factor into the things you do. You can use it to change multiple areas of your life.   Or use it as a guide, something you want to align yourself with to grow throughout the year.

2010 I believe my word was Growth.
2011  the word was Change.
2012 This year my word is Devoted.

On FB someone asked about one word themes and someone responded their word was “Devoted” the word resonated within me.

While visiting friends in Austin,  I really tested and felt out “Devoted.”  Sitting at The Oasis surrounded by beautiful bright shining people I knew DEVOTED was 2012.    (Thank you Jillian for being my host)

It was such a cool experience to spend the New Year far away from home surrounded by people who hadn’t met me in person, who loved me anyway.   They accepted the fact that I disappeared from time to time, for my solitary nature.   The experience filled my heart up to overflowing.

Then we visited the Oasis that had the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen in a while.  Hard to enjoy sunsets surrounded by houses and trees, so this “straight line access” was wonderful.  And inside was a group of 7 women all rockstars, all business owners working towards improving relationships, the world and their inner selves.

Why devoted?

Last year change meant finding and using my voice. Change meant changing how I view friendships. Change meant looking at life differently, seeing my own part in what was happening in my life.

Devoted will mean staying true to my heart. Devoted means making my voice heard, and accepting that this will hurt people. Devoted means being devoted to building real friendships, offline as well as online. It means working towards more income and increasing my income through writing. Devoted to my writing. Devoted to improving myself. Devoted to my health. Devoted etc… and so on…

With friends this means being a good friend but not allowing myself to be run over or used. Basically this means whittling off the areas of my life that are not true to the theme of who I am. It means building the areas where my life is not as true as it should be. Devoted to being the person that was hidden for so many years underneath the garbage that life brings.

Garbage

Yes, life brings garbage. We enter this life thinking pretty much anything is possible. We hear what people say. “Money is evil” “If it weren’t for bad luck …” and a million other sayings that mean life is hard.

We hear that “you aren’t good at that…” hopefully followed by “try this instead,” that’s not always the case. We hear you failed, you aren’t good enough.

The problem is the acceptance of it. Acceptance that it’s unchangeable, it’s a fact and it’s part of who we are. Look at how many people have overcome odds that were against them.

Do you want to settle for a life that others say is acceptable? Do you want to find your own life and shine?

Shining

In a way I started on the “One word theme” in 2008, except the theme was “Love Rockstar” and started mid-year. It was an underlying theme to find that “rockstar” the person underneath the debris. Then let the “star” shine, and for whatever reason I knew it had something to do with Love.

That has been a shadow to all the themes since and will be in the future. Part of the change was realizing that I was love. When you love yourself, fully and completely, you don’t need to find acceptance from others, and will overflow with love. This overflowing of love splashes on those around you and they reflect it back to you. This overflows your heart even more… and it becomes a do-loop of hope and love and more.

Now, what is the future you want to see?
What makes you shine?
What is your 2012 theme?

Please share in the comments.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Live, Light, Love,
MJ Schrader

Seems my friendships are in flux right now. In 2010 I lost ones who had been my best friends prior. They did not accept that I changed, so they no longer speak to me. Guess that means our lives changed too much to have a future in common.

Now I have new friends, although only a few “close” ones, but we are close online, not physically.  This means currently I am trying to decide how to rebuild my inner circle and what makes a good friend.

“We’re friends aren’t we?”

There is someone who keeps asking me this. Each time “Questioner” asked, I felt the ranking of “yes” slip further and further away. Truth is, I’ve never felt comfortable around “Questioner.” There is a coldness and yet smugness.

We don't think we can trust you

The smugness showed the one time we met in person. Questioner repeatedly told me that I could go home, “there wasn’t any reason to stay,” at a seminar we both were working, a seminar where I wanted to be.  At one point while listening to the seminar I started folding an origami crane, to which Questioner said “Oh GOD…  *she’s* folding again” complete with eyeroll.

While I had thought the attitude had been snide and condescending, this was over the top proof.  So much so I actually stopped and stared.   She’d never seen me fold.  And why be so hateful?

Later, Questioner was shocked when I knew something about a mutual friend, whom I’ve known longer. Then Questioner told me to not tell anyone. This wasn’t a secret and didn’t belong to Questioner at all.  This made me very uncomfortable.

From what I can tell, Questioner is not honest about other things as well. It would not surprise me to find the person would tell someone the wrong information to get them fired, especially if they got in the way. Or to become a scapegoat to keep Questioner from getting in trouble.

Questioner and I work with the same client. Last week, Questioner told me to make website changes on something that the client just said  would be discussed and decided on the next day.

This week, when it happened again, I told the client I won’t be making any more changes that do not come from them directly. They seem to moving Questioner up, so I wonder what will happen in the future.  I worry that this decision could mean I’ll lose my favorite client, yet it could anyway if Questioner gives me a fake assignment.  Worst I don’t want to be in any position where I must trust Questioner.

Questioner needs friends, but how do you be friends with someone who can and will use anything against you?

Part of me wonders if I should tell the client I question the loyalty and truthfulness of Questioner… but as long as they understand work must not come from Questioner… maybe I should let it be?   Opinions appreciated.

The Long-Term Friend and Common Friend

These two have been on my mind a lot as well. The Common Friend, we met and became friends because of one unique thing in common. Now I realize that the thing we have in common requires a lot of work,  and I would rather work (write and code) than work on the common interest. This could jeopardize the friendship with Common.

I like Common.  Since we met, we seem to have other similar interests. Yet, that interest was a major point. On the other hand I need to be true to myself and if Common doesn’t like it, then we weren’t really friends.

And this is true with Long-Term, LT.  We have certain things that are very different. When I say make yourself at home at my house, that does not mean watch something I hate nor change the settings on my TV. I would not do so at your house.  When I say no horror, I mean it.

Stand up

So the common thread in all of this is I need to stand up for myself. Normally I am passive, agree to anything to not argue,  so this will require work… but maybe this goes hand in hand with the next thing.

My 2011 Word

A few years ago I read an article about instead of making resolutions, to have a one word “theme” for the coming year. Last year my word was change. December 2011 there was a major shift in my being that required a lot of change in my life. So throughout 2011 I changed.

Certainly in January 2011 I would not have said I won’t accept work from Questioner. I would not have questioned friendships, I would have decided either I can get along with letting them run over me or I would avoid them.

I would not have thought about packing up and running off to Austin or Arkansas just because. I wouldn’t have the boxes of clothes that I got over the past year. When I saw friends getting rid of clothes I wouldn’t have said, I need new to me/ girly clothes.  Which means I wouldn’t be wearing the pink shirt I have on, or have a closet with more “girly” clothes than my tomboyish ones.

Change is definitely what happened in 2011…. so what is 2012′s word… well that’s a post for Tuesday!

Change, Devoted, Love

MJ Schrader

Then we visited the Oasis that had the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen in a while.  Hard to enjoy sunsets surrounded by houses and trees, so this “straight line access” was wonderful.  And inside was a group of 7 women all rockstars, all business owners working towards improving relationships, the world and their inner selves.

to see more of Austin 

Perhaps it is not which option is right, but which option is the best for the most people. In the Wrath of Khan, Spock dies… to the words of “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few or the one.”

Yet while the story could help others, it almost literally destroyed me last time I tried to confess it. Last time I lost “friends,” (although there’s a funny story in it), left my church for years and nearly did something very stupid.

So while I think the story needs telling, now that I consider the previous cost, I don’t think I am strong enough to bear that cost right now.

The Cynic

Perhaps instead I should tell the story of the cynic. So many people have told me of the men in my life “that doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.” This is true of some men in my family. As for the men I’ve dated, this isn’t true. I don’t care how many ways you want to sugar coat it and tell me “oh well they show their love through….” sadly they didn’t do those things either, well mostly because of the next issue….

Last week,  I was told this “Don’t worry about him being mad, I heard he has a ‘friend’” of the guy who showed up after Thanksgiving.  But it could have been with any guy I dated, any time. Seriously I played stupid, but how many times can they have other things to do during holidays, special events, things where their friends are. Even the last “didn’t know how to change his FB relationship.”

My grandparents were married til their end.  My parents celebrated 43 years.   My brother and SIL celebrated 12 years together.

And it made me wonder what is so wrong with me that they couldn’t date just me? What is so wrong with me, that a boyfriend cares less about me than a friend I seldom see?

That is the Boyfriend Cynic

There is also the Party Cynic

You don’t find yourself standing alone at a bar with a bag of leis for your non-present friends without wondering what is wrong with you. This has happened a few times, variations of the theme… The leis I gave away that night. I finally got rid of the Tropical party set a few years ago, the 2 liter bottles of soda from the party this year is finally just one bottle.

But that said, I had an online party a few weeks ago, with lots of online guests. It hurt when a friend lectured me about not hosting an event and constantly pushing it. With puppies, work and the knowledge that even with telling everyone at my work everyday that my birthday party was that weekend and no one showing up…. it was hard to see pushing it constantly (even if I’d had more time).

I couldn’t take the heart break of joyfully telling everyone in the world repeatedly to find that no one showed.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known

This Green Day Song perhaps is my truth. Or maybe it’s time to accept that it is. See, I was the child in a world of grown ups. Books shielded me from the school peers with whom I didn’t fit.

But see, if it’s my truth now or always, it is the truth I must accept now. See this lonely road is the only one I’ve known.

This is not to say you aren’t here, reading my blog posts. To you, thank you and hugs for being here and reading my stories!
This is not to say I don’t have friends who are around the world. To you, thank you and I love you.
This is not to say that I don’t have parents who love me. To them, I love you.
This is not to say I don’t have adopted family. To you, I love you, thank you for “adopting me” and hugs.

But thinking that someone will come to visit me is done. Thinking that I will ever date again, is done.

Yes, I’d love to plan parties. Yes, I’d love to have my house full of friends. Yes, I’d love to have a sweetheart with whom there is mutual love. But my road is my own.

My road is lonely, but I can visit those of you. I can make plans and fill my life and know that my house will be filled with the warm love of those furry children who also have pieces of my heart. And I can share pieces of my heart, and realize that some of us will give away every bit of what we have inside our hearts…  This is not to say I would refuse a house full of visitors, but to pin a hope on it is done.  Accept my walk alone and then everything beyond that point becomes a plus….

So I started this a Shakespearean quote… to do or not to do…

I choose not to tell the painful truth.

I choose to accept that I walk alone, but my path has people alongside whom love me and I love them… this is my diamond, my light, my joy….

To you my diamonds,  I love you!

Live, Love, Accept

MJ Schrader

PS. You say you know someone, but do you? You say you understand but do you? Their light, their darkness, their voice, their silence, their joy, their pain, what you know is pieces of another. Don’t say you understand, say you ACCEPT. Accept them for who they are, who they aren’t. And LOVE that person, for what you see is only what is above the surface….

PPS If you want to prove there is something to believe in… please visit Unlock Your Personal Power and Help Children

While it felt good to see him again after a year (to the day), and even kiss him, it felt pretty crummy to keep his touches appropriate. It felt good that he said he’d like to see me again and was planning future dates (long distance) but it felt crummy because it seemed like something he was doing so I’d agree to invite him home. It felt really crummy that he cussed when I left, but felt good that I went home alone.

But calling me repeatedly between 2:22 and 2:58, waking to find that he unfriended me. And when I called at 8 am, it seems all the phone calls were to tell me how we “didn’t see each other” and shouldn’t say that cause his family questioned him, (at 2am?) and he unfriended me to keep me from saying anything else.

Of all the things that happened this phone call bothered me the most. So I emailed a couple girl-friends and asked their opinions of what in the world had happened and was I wrong…

Well, they all agreed he acted like a jerk and I shouldn’t feel bad. And agreed it hurts to be turned into the villain. They gave different reasons for why he did it, which I needed, because I am a woman and I wanted to hear different opinions to decide what my truth was…

But here is the truth…

He didn’t respect me. He didn’t call me up to visit or rekindle the romance. And while that hurt me, when I tried to act in kindness, he decided to hurt me, which just added insult to injury.

Which did hurt.

But I have a choice, dwell in the hurt or to decide that this was another lesson in life. So I looked at him with my heart, and decided he needs love.
He is angry and hurt, he rages against life, between moments of seeming happiness or drinking to avoid life. How can I be mad at him for his anger or hatred?
It just adds more anger or hatred. And my being mad doesn’t change anything. My heart saying it’s ok I can still love you (as a friend) may not change him, but it may plant a seed of love for him.

“What about how he disrespected you?”

Indeed, he did do that. For whatever reason he doesn’t value me as who I am, but he probably doesn’t value himself either. If he did value himself he would not have behaved so inappropriately, because his behavior was actually disrespectful to him as well. It was low, crude and rude. Does his lack of respect mean I should stoop to being disrespectful of him?

Because Puppies Make Everything Better

No, that is a reflection of me.

And while I view it as a friendship lost, he hadn’t viewed me viewed me as a friend. So losing him as a friend didn’t happen, and I kept my self-respect, even better stood up for it. I still have his family as family and friends, so all I lost was a friendship that was already gone.

Where does this leave me?

I can recall the elements in him that I did / do love. They are far out weighed by other elements, but they don’t change those elements. I learned that he doesn’t respect me, and while some part of him may care for me, it is out-weighed by his thinking with a small head. I stood up for myself, and walked away with my self-respect and while it felt like I lost someone, I didn’t. But I can love him from a distance, wish him well, and hope he finds what he really needs.

So like yesterday, is this my lesson or yours?  Did that person really disrespect you or do they lack self respect so they are acting against it?

Love ♥ Learn  ♥ Love More

MJ Schrader

The problem is that often they did not become happy because of my sacrifice. So this was a pointless sacrifice to martyr myself. That wasn’t my intent, but that allowed people to bulldoze over me, and disregard my feelings and view… or did it?

What I killed was my self-respect, because “we should love our neighbors as ourselves” cause the Bible says to. But I didn’t love myself, I did it to make others love me and so they didn’t, and I didn’t really love them.

Think about that wording… “as ourselves” so if you treat yourself bad, and hate yourself what about those poor neighbors. You can’t love them any better than yourself so stop trying to martyr yourself…

Speaking of Neighbors

One has a pair of pitbulls. The female is sweet. The male worries me. He actually scares me on occasion. The times I have been scared by a dog I could count on one hand… Even dogs who have made me nervous at first have calmed down around me.. No this one keeps getting more and more aggressive.

But he nor the dogs are really a next door neighbor. They belong to a house around the corner. There is a lot that behind that neighbor, then is partially behind house on the corner, completely behind the house beside me, and completely behind mine.  So this is a house 4 houses away and a lot behind all 4 of us. I contacted animal control. They needed the property owner’s permission.

These dogs escape their yard and run down to my yard to be with my dogs. I didn’t like it, but ok. Then the male started getting into fights with the female. (I contacted their owner) Then he was lunging at Butch; my lab/rott who has a dementia, through the fence. (I contacted their owner) He then started tracking my cocker spaniel. (I contacted their owner) Butch would get torn up. Luna

He started lunging at the fence, biting, snapping and snarling. (I contacted their owner) I threw things at him to get him away, I piled things against my fence to keep him away (I contacted their owner.) And then as I dug a channel to place a little barrier against the bottom of my fence to pile dirt behind he started biting at me. He made contact, and busted my thumb. The fence kept him from actually biting me, but my thumb was swollen and purple.  This is when I realized being nice for the neighbor was disrespectful of myself, my dogs, our safety and our lives, possibly someone else if those dogs become more aggressive.

I contacted the police. I filed reports. If the dog comes through MY fence I can have animal control pick them up. If they bite me or my dogs, they will be quarantined and put down.  I contacted the property owner, he is terrified of the dogs.   I contacted animal control again with the property owner right there.   He gave permission for them to come on his property and seize the dogs.  I also filed pictures online with some of the documentation of the time frame,  with contacts, and pictures of my thumb.  This was public documentation with all but the FB exchange because it would show his name.

Another Lesson and A Friend Lost?

That was Wednesday, my lessons in self respect had not ended.  Friday night came.  Around 7 pm my ex-boyfriend called.  Funny it had been exactly a year since last time I saw him. .  I knew he was in town for the Dallas Cowboys game.   He wanted to meet me and we could get together.  He talked about meeting in Rockwall or at my house, from some of the things he said I didn’t feel comfortable with him at my house.

With good reason.

We met at an entertainment place.  It has bowling, video games, kids games, mini golf, lazer tag (their spelling), go carts and more.  More includes two bars, but both are pretty open to the public.  We talked some but he kept trying to make out with me.   Then he told me how I gave him the bad boyfriend speech and yelled at him.  I reminded him he yelled at me every time we went to the lake… “I get it you hate the lake.”  ”I never said that, but you yelled at me every time so …” “so now you are bringing up the past.”  ”only because you did. I asked how you were.”

So he went back to telling  me how he was.  How his family was.  He ordered from the bartender and insulted him when he walked off.  Then he started trying to make out with me.  This was at a public place and with kids.   Twice I had to knock his hand out of my shirt.  And twice away from my chest.

He kept trying to get me to invite him home.  And he used lots of persuasive salesman type techniques.  And they were very persuasive, but not enough.  In the end he walked me to my car, just to flip me off.   I got home at 11:30.  I was happy, because it was good to see him again, because I still cared, because while he was charming I kept my self-respect… even if he was rude I wouldn’t be.    Since he said  he “was f*ing driving all the way to Abilene” I said on his FB wall, (like I do with many other friends) It was good to see you.

At 2:22 my phone woke me from a dead sleep.  A call from him.  it wouldn’t be good, so I turned it to silent and was dead asleep very soon after.  10 more calls in the next 30 minutes.  The next morning it was because I “f*ing put that message on his wall and now his f*ing family wants to know if we were seeing each other again… no all we did is look at each other”   “Because we didn’t have sex we didn’t see each other.”  ”no all we f*ing did is look at each other.”  and he unfriended me because he had no idea what other f*ing sh*t I’d say next.

You know what?

It hurt.  It hurt that he values me so little.  It hurt that he thinks so little of me,  it hurt and I contacted a few friends rather than to sink into it, and got a few opinions and that helped me find my path.  (Which is a post for tomorrow).   It still hurt, but then it stopped.  I have known his sister for years.  His cousins are my cousins.  Hearts make family.  I lost someone who didn’t respect me. Keeping him in my life was a personal disrespect.  So I gain self respect.  What did I lose?

Now while you are thinking this story is about how someone disrespected me… is it?  maybe it’s how someone disrespects you and if you lose them, maybe you gain your own self respect.  …. just a gentle reminder… that you rock.

Live ♥ Laugh ♥ Love

MJ Schrader