Some days I regret that I am a geek… Someone told me I shouldn’t discredit a guy for not being a fan of sci-fi, her husband likes sci-fi and she hates it, yet they get along. I thought about the guys I dated previously, they all hated sci-fi, (the last one specifically told me that repeatedly… but honestly, he hated any movie he didn’t like).
But it’s not about the sci-fi for me, it’s about the culture. I am sitting here with a Firefly shirt, drinking from a Star Trek glass, I watched Japanese Anime earlier, there is a Pirates of the Caribbean tissue box beside me, if the movie has a Super Hero I probably want to see it. My “personal effects” when I travel consists of electronics. And I was always this way. I got my parent’s Commodore 64 when the 128 came out and haven’t been without a computer since. My friends had posters of Bon Jovi, and I had the Enterprise. Geeks weren’t cool then… so stuff was few and far between.
Perhaps I was closer to a nerd then anyway… Socialization was far from my strong point. People had nightmares of to school naked and tests, mine was being naked and sitting next to a cute boy and him not noticing … even though he asked for help on homework. That’s what I was good for… homework, tests, and laughing at my feeble attempts to make friends. We were young, those who teased me wouldn’t do that now…
And after school, I started selling ATVs and Personal watercraft. Being a female selling “men’s toys” I had to be knowledgeable, but I also had to be social. This was a huge educational experience. Then the past two months I have pulled away from that experience and education, going back to who I am beneath that. The person who works hard to get the 110 on the homework. I want those bonus questions right as well. In this case it’s building businesses and building some websites, and wanting them all 110%…. and so now I’m back to something else as well…
I’m that nerd, who wants to be social and share experiences with others, yet isn’t certain how. plus side I know you wouldn’t laugh at me, but I feel so awkward, and because I am an introvert long phone calls can be draining. I’m better in person, where I can see your face and read your body reactions. People forget that when they call me, and I can almost clock 1 hour… that’s when I start getting anxious. What people don’t see is at an 1 hour and 30, I am sweating, but it happens 30 minutes with this one group call I’m on. This one guy starts babbling and babbling, repeating himself, and always talking but never providing any information or content. And here I am wishing I’d put on another swipe of deodorant.
Perhaps this is why I don’t have friends locally… then again, there’s not a lot to do locally for someone who isn’t married, with kids, or doesn’t like crowds. No, I don’t like crowds, but it’s not a fear, it’s like they drain me. The closer strangers are to me, the quicker my batteries drain. Yet I long for the touch of friends and for someone special… yet then again I’ve gone a week without touching another human…
Do I really want to be a geek and feel isolated?
Wouldn’t it be better to fit in? To be like the average person? To not have wikipedia at my fingertips, and having read enough to have my own version in my head? Maybe I would date…
And while I think about this and wish I was better at making friends; a friend sends, “world domination is coming to fruition soon” and I remember my dedication to World domination with hugs and love. This is who I am, with Hunger Games and Art of War for Managers on my bedside table. I’m scared to call my friends, but those who are willing to be my friends find an extremely loyal friend…
Live, Laugh, Love,
MJ
