I was hoping the doctor fixed my ear infection in the spring.  I had a sneaky suspicion that the Eustachian Tube was still blocked, but I wasn’t certain.  Now as the weather cools down I know it is.  It’s like someone hits me upside the head with a brick then puts their hand on my ear and neck on that side and holds them down.  I feel the pain all the way beneath my ear, down the side of my neck and I’d say the pain stops there.  Yesterday I noticed the muscles on that side of my shoulder are so knotted that it’s almost as big as a fist….

Probably need someone to rub that out.  Except there is no one who will, unless I pay a masseuse.  “Hey, you should go to the doctor about your ear.”

The ear and the masseuse require money.  There are other things that are higher priority that require money.  “But you’re in pain.”

Yup, but it will change.  And Doctors well, they didn’t fix it before.  They don’t believe in natural methods and I do.

Besides what is pain?

When I was younger I had a weird fear of being invisible.  Perhaps because oddly enough, I was.

In school, it happened several times, I was hiding from people, thus quietly reading somewhere.  Popular people or other people would gather, they’d look around and start talking secrets.  Sometimes either something would happen I’d have to leave or realize this was not a talk I wanted to hear.  I’d get up and suddenly someone would say “Omg, have you been here the whole time?”  To which I’d say no I just got here, to keep them from feeling uncomfortable.

I’ve sat in on discussions of drinking, who is popular and who is not, who is hot, how to get notes from me or other honor students (I was the weakest link), and various other things.   “She’s such a nerd (or worse) but she gets good grades” is what they said about getting notes from me or how they had fooled me into thinking “so and so” liked me.  Most weren’t that interesting, but I sat in just because I wasn’t supposed to hear what they were talking about.

But it was weird, to be invisible.

I spent 2 years in my early 20s watching people talk to my ex-husband while I lost more and more weight.  No one noticed, least of all him.  His father would ask how I was, and not wait for an answer.   Out of the ear pain or being invisible, the pain of being invisible is far worse.

It’s like someone stabs you in the heart and twists it.  But you don’t die, you just feel the pain. 

For whatever reason, I have been feeling a bit that way lately.  Invisible, not the heart ripped out …

My ear hurts, and I am sure that is part of it.  Trey Pennington’s suicide (a social media guru which is part of my business) and studying depression is probably part of it.   Fortunately I know the difference, I’m depressed right now.  Not suffering depression.  I feel alone.

Three times in the past month I’ve “seen” my ex-boyfriend.  It’s not  him, he lives in NM.  He doesn’t miss me, and actually I only miss the sober version of him.  He drank too much for my tastes, and the drinking made him angry.   I miss someone else, whom I talk to regularly yet no longer feels like my friend.  Our talks have dissolved into one sided talks.  One of those “big birthdays” is next year.  And I am wondering what has changed in the past 10 years.  Obviously I have emotions 🙂  which is groovy.   I opted out of those 10 years ago.  I question relationships now, and try to understand them.

People are online, and I actually know you read my blog.  Where as 10 years ago…  well, I had a blog but I’ve forgotten what system I used then (Pre MySpace).  I thought no one read it until one post got like 5 comments, after the move to MySpace. (me: O.O )  I don’t have a best friend now, but I have friends online, and am “closer” to a wider group of people offline.  Still no kids, still single,  still no book, hopefully closer on that.

Last week, I went to a funeral and a wedding on a branch off my family tree.  Somehow I need to get in touch with that side of the family. So I’ve decided to try to host the family Christmas party.  It was a big deal when I was very small.   But they aren’t online, which is my medium.   And as it is my medium, this is where I need to find a boyfriend.  Because they need to like who I am and what I do.  Not some random guy at a bar that picked me based on looks only… that’s only part of my story.

And I need to develop friendships with people my age who understand what I do.  Sadly I still have conversations on “Where do you work?”  “Online”  “On- line?”  It’s not two words, and sadly this is a sign the conversation is about to tank.  Because “what do you do” follows.  “Social media” “what?” etc…..  and this is why I feel invisible…

or rather not invisible, on the outskirts of life.  Like standing outside a restaurant watching everyone eating and I am outside with the growling stomach.  This is not to say I’m not living or doing, but that I am standing outside the restaurant, working, doing, creating, and looking inside at people talking and laughing… occasionally looking at me uncomfortably.   Occasionally someone walks by and tips their hat and say “hello”.  I guess that closer than standing here invisibly…  🙂

Who knows but I have work to do, a mysterious invisible coding problem to fix.  (funny that)

And I am on FB / Twitter sabbatical other than Social media for work… so hopefully this post won’t be invisible.

Live, be visible, love,

MJ Schrader