A week ago today, was the start of Unseminar 6. What a wonderful weekend it was. There was so much to learn, so many people to meet, and so many people to connect with again. My life has truly been blessed to spend time with such great, hopeful and beautiful energy. Unseminar 5 was my first. Unseminar 6 will not be my last. Yet I have not done anything. So I must apologize.
Twitter flows with all of these people from 6 taking massive action as soon as they got home. I did that last year, and fell on my face, bloodied my lip and banged my knees. 🙁 Monday afternoon I drove Lynette Patterson, Maggie Muldoon, & Tony Laidig to a Trampoline / Mellow Monday Mastermind. Tuesday, Maggie & I visited the Alamo, and spent 5 ½ hours driving to Greenville, (east of Dallas).
The past two days I could have worked, but instead my thoughts needed to digest. And with that, I realize it is time to confess.
Today May 29th is my birthday, my 37th. May 22nd 1993 I got married. His words were I love you, you are pretty, his actions said otherwise. My friends and family weren’t good enough, and slowly I was cut off. Soon I sat in silence, while he talked with his dad or his best friend. They ignored almost anything I said. He didn’t notice when I almost stopped eating, or that I dropped 25 pounds.
For those who saw me this past weekend, that’s 30 pounds less than what I weigh right now. There wasn’t a bone that you couldn’t see. He didn’t know that I woke up the day I realized I was 3 months pregnant. It shocked me, attention maybe once a month and I got pregnant. My plan became to confirm and then disappear.
But 4 days later on my day off as I looked up a doctor to set up an appointment, I miscarried at home. Alone. Because he had slowly cut off my friends and family (they don’t care about you) I had no one to call. In less than 30 minutes I realized I had been 14 weeks pregnant, I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t tell anyone for years. I told my mom 6 years later.
I decided to make the marriage work, telling him we need counseling. He called his dad, as he always did. They talked for two hours. I timed it. Afterwards he avoided the subject, I stopped talking to him. Three months later, August 1997, we were divorced. Six months later he was married again.
In the past 11 years, there have been people who used me, bosses that called me names, people have belittled me, business partners that took my money. Generally my dating consisted of one or two dates, and realizing the guy was not good. Jerks actually. Jerks who wanted sex (sorry that’s not me). Jerks who didn’t like my multiple facets. One Stalker.
You see, it took 11 years (July 20, 2008) for me to realize that I deserved friends, good, positive, joyful friends. 11 years to see that I am beautiful inside and out. 11 years to say I deserve good things, and I deserve to be treated with love and respect. (I say this as I sit here crying, and I REALLY hate to cry.)
This weekend I learned I deserve a man, who can respect that I am a geek, treat me like a lady, be willing to play (paint ball, video games or even being silly), and cuddle with me, laugh with me when I say something blond. Most important a man that loves me, for all that I am, and all that I am not.
Today is May 29, 2009, my 37th birthday. My first birthday. No. I haven’t started a project, or finished one. No I haven’t bought websites, changed my blog or anything else.
Pat, Bill, Craig, Joe, Ann, Eric, Erica, Lee & Ben I am sorry I have not made vast leaps and bounds after Unseminar6 ended. I am thankful for everything you have taught me, and will continue to teach me.
But I have not done anything yet. All I have done was think. Last weekend, everyone asked what is your niche, what is it you do? Why?
This is my answer “Helping you find the love within” that’s me. I’ll spread the word, by being me. Telling people that I stopped using shampoo a month ago, to reduce chemicals. I’ve started following my heritage by brewing beer. This is my love within. My future means helping you find your love within.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
MJ you are a beautiful soul my friend.
I know your openness and candor will be a blessing for you. There are so many who have walked in shoes that are perhaps a little similar to yours (I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years, for instance)…. Perhaps we, those of us who might share one part of your story here, appreciate that you are so willing to share it. I, for one, do not feel comfortable discussing difficult things from my past. I hope it is opening up new doors for you, on this your first birthday of your new existence. I applaud you and I see wonderful things coming out of this for you.
Nice post. You may not have done anything “business wise”, but on a much deeper level, you’ve done tons.
Deep and shallow are both important.
Shallow pays the bills, and buys the drinks.
Deep invites people into our lives, and meaning into our lives, that makes both the bills and the drinks worthwhile.
I deeply respect your dance and discovery.
There are so many women with (similar) traumatic experiences like this (myself included). It’s what we do with them that counts. Inside everything, there is a negative and positive and the positive is unfolding through your heart and your vision. You are a Light, and an inspiration! We all have bubbles – your sharing gives courage for others to either talk about/release their stuff or to at least think about it/process it further. It takes courage. I see this as the positive – the gift you give the world. Thank you!
This is your process and it is perfect just as it is.
I am so proud of you, MJ! You are deeply appreciated and Loved, just as you are.
With a Big ((( Hug!! ))) and a Sister Smile : )
I’m writing this from my phone late at night and tucked in bed… Why? Because I knew that despite my lack of a big keyboard this post deserved a rapid response.
Dear girl you have done more than you can ever imagine.
Whether or not you realize it, you are one of the biggest action takers of ANY seminar I’ve ever been a part of. You must now see that what you have grown through has changed you, has built you… that what you have overcome today with the willingness to share your mantra of truth with yourSELF is WORTHY of GREATNESS.
When I read:
“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”
I see YOUR story, and yousharing that truth with yourself.
And dearest MJ when I see you changing your life in that way; I am truly honored to call you a friend.. to experience your ever blossoming beauty and to know that in personal life; and in business you will ever impress me and when the time is right (carpe diem!) You will be emboldened to blow yourself away.
Why yourself?? Because the rest of us already are.
We love you, we thank you, and we hope you’ll allow us to be blessed by your incredible love more and more every day.
Thank you, I love you, Continue to realize your blessed Truth.
MJ, you are doing great! Thank you for inspiring so many. ~B
First of all, Happy Birthday. 1st & 37th. And I would have guesed 27th. 🙂
Second, don’t beat yourself up for not having done anything. It took me two days after the Monday mastermind to just decompress and get back to normal.
Also, consider this. Out of twenty-something submissions, we chose yours to highlight during those morning masterminds. That wasn’t because we drew your name out of a hat. I knew you’d chosen a niche that would resonate with more people in that room than any other.
And even though you say you haven’t started anything, you have. This blog post is a start. You’ve put your story in words here. This is your beginning.
I look forward to seeing what’s still to come, MJ.
You’ve done alot!! You’ve THOUGHT and your thoughts will get you where you need to go when you decide to take action. Don’t apologize. Take time to organize your thoughts. Then get focused. Then take action. Rome wasn’t built in a day 🙂
I am honored to have met you! (Yes, you! Yes, really! 😉 Don’t beat yourself up too hard for not getting anything done yet. You are incredibly brave to put all of this out there for the world to see. Your post indicates to me that you are in the right mental place to be successful.
I’ll have a blog post coming up soon about “diving off a cliff and blogging it on the way down”. I think you might like it.
Keep the blog posts coming. Love your energy and heart!
What a lovely, heart-breaking and thoughtful post, MJ! No matter what we endure in life, there is always that moment where we see a light, where we feel open to possibilities again.
You have received the gift of love & support through your experience with UnSeminar. I pray you have the strength and determination to make it work for yourself and those who love you.
MJ, you are doing great! Thank you for inspiring so many. ~B
Loving, very loving and inspirational. You are a wonderful writers.
My Miracles Coach called this “throwing up on paper.” Sometimes it just needs to be done and so it goes…
You are opening up a space for inspired thought to come in, I would suggest that you finally took the kind of action that will allow you to complete a project.
I met an incredible woman at Unseminar6 who is in my Mastermind group, Tammy Taylor. Her music is cleansing, it opens up your heart and mind and allows the space for Miracles to occur. DM on twitter @kimburney if you want more information.
Thank you for being MJ, my friend
You have not one thing to apologize for. Let me say that again… not one thing.
Reading this blog post both broke my heart and buoyed it at the same time. You’ve taken some extremely difficult action and you’ve been true to yourself. You may not be able see this right now, but the majority of people who find themselves in positions like you were in would still be there.
If you can pull yourself out of a situation as crushing as that, my dear, you can do anything.
I’m honored to get the chance to work with you and can’t wait to see where you are in the next few weeks or months.
Feeling so blessed to know you.