A week ago today, was the start of Unseminar 6. What a wonderful weekend it was. There was so much to learn, so many people to meet, and so many people to connect with again. My life has truly been blessed to spend time with such great, hopeful and beautiful energy. Unseminar 5 was my first. Unseminar 6 will not be my last. Yet I have not done anything. So I must apologize.
Twitter flows with all of these people from 6 taking massive action as soon as they got home. I did that last year, and fell on my face, bloodied my lip and banged my knees. 🙁 Monday afternoon I drove Lynette Patterson, Maggie Muldoon, & Tony Laidig to a Trampoline / Mellow Monday Mastermind. Tuesday, Maggie & I visited the Alamo, and spent 5 ½ hours driving to Greenville, (east of Dallas).
The past two days I could have worked, but instead my thoughts needed to digest. And with that, I realize it is time to confess.
Today May 29th is my birthday, my 37th. May 22nd 1993 I got married. His words were I love you, you are pretty, his actions said otherwise. My friends and family weren’t good enough, and slowly I was cut off. Soon I sat in silence, while he talked with his dad or his best friend. They ignored almost anything I said. He didn’t notice when I almost stopped eating, or that I dropped 25 pounds.
For those who saw me this past weekend, that’s 30 pounds less than what I weigh right now. There wasn’t a bone that you couldn’t see. He didn’t know that I woke up the day I realized I was 3 months pregnant. It shocked me, attention maybe once a month and I got pregnant. My plan became to confirm and then disappear.
But 4 days later on my day off as I looked up a doctor to set up an appointment, I miscarried at home. Alone. Because he had slowly cut off my friends and family (they don’t care about you) I had no one to call. In less than 30 minutes I realized I had been 14 weeks pregnant, I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t tell anyone for years. I told my mom 6 years later.
I decided to make the marriage work, telling him we need counseling. He called his dad, as he always did. They talked for two hours. I timed it. Afterwards he avoided the subject, I stopped talking to him. Three months later, August 1997, we were divorced. Six months later he was married again.
In the past 11 years, there have been people who used me, bosses that called me names, people have belittled me, business partners that took my money. Generally my dating consisted of one or two dates, and realizing the guy was not good. Jerks actually. Jerks who wanted sex (sorry that’s not me). Jerks who didn’t like my multiple facets. One Stalker.
You see, it took 11 years (July 20, 2008) for me to realize that I deserved friends, good, positive, joyful friends. 11 years to see that I am beautiful inside and out. 11 years to say I deserve good things, and I deserve to be treated with love and respect. (I say this as I sit here crying, and I REALLY hate to cry.)
This weekend I learned I deserve a man, who can respect that I am a geek, treat me like a lady, be willing to play (paint ball, video games or even being silly), and cuddle with me, laugh with me when I say something blond. Most important a man that loves me, for all that I am, and all that I am not.
Today is May 29, 2009, my 37th birthday. My first birthday. No. I haven’t started a project, or finished one. No I haven’t bought websites, changed my blog or anything else.
Pat, Bill, Craig, Joe, Ann, Eric, Erica, Lee & Ben I am sorry I have not made vast leaps and bounds after Unseminar6 ended. I am thankful for everything you have taught me, and will continue to teach me.
But I have not done anything yet. All I have done was think. Last weekend, everyone asked what is your niche, what is it you do? Why?
This is my answer “Helping you find the love within” that’s me. I’ll spread the word, by being me. Telling people that I stopped using shampoo a month ago, to reduce chemicals. I’ve started following my heritage by brewing beer. This is my love within. My future means helping you find your love within.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.