The marathon, two weeks ago was about “Vanquishing Your Demons.” And it took a lot from me, the 12 hours, and some other demons I had to face. Like quitting my job, taking a leap of faith to become what I must … someone who helps people make their inner rockstar shine.
Too many people live in fear, because they expect failure, expect someone to condemn or blame them for whatever comes, failure or success. Too many do not like themselves, too many people hate themselves. How do I know?
From 1994 to 1997, I disliked myself. From 1997 until 2004, I hated myself, hated my reflection, hated essentially everything that was me. With a “failed marriage” and a miscarriage in part due to I had all but stopped eating until the day I realized I was pregnant, I blamed myself. I absorbed all the negative comments people would freely hand out.
The jobs I took reflected my mindset. Employers who called me stupid, made me into the scapegoat for higher ups, letting clients scream at me for things the boss did. Blamed for stealing money when I wasn’t getting paid my wages. Then using my credit cards to pay for bills, because I was told I wouldn’t get the several thousand owed if I left and was warned “your dog is alone when you’re at work.”
“Friends” recommended guys to date. The results: the one with stalker tendencies, the one who shoved me into a wall at a club, the one who sexually assaulted. Fortunately they showed their colors early. Then there were the seemingly nice guys, the one who wanted to be the father of my children, while he got engaged to another, the ones who were only dating me as a diversion between one girlfriend and the next.
I could blame my friends for setting me up. I could blame the guys for being jerks, idiots and all the other terms… but the truth is… IT WAS MY FAULT.
The jobs I accepted, the marriage failing, the men, even the “friends” who weren’t there when I needed them WERE ALL MY FAULT. Now this comes from someone who was blamed for everything for a number of years and believed it. But there’s a difference in taking this blame.
There was a choice.
When my ex-husband said that my family and friends didn’t care about me, I should have said yes they do. When he and his dad ignored me, I could have said, when you ask me a question, listen to the answer or leave. The bosses blaming me, I could have said, “I was not here when the problem occurred” or “You over promised the client” or “You said you could do it, when you can’t explain to me what the client needs”- “YOU tell the client or I will. I will not have the client attack me for you.”
What is the worse thing that would happen? My marriage would end? Oh wait, that happened anyway. I would quit or get fired. Oh wait, that happened.
What about the men you dated?
Honestly, the stalker, I knew after the first date, but I went out twice more. The guy that shoved me into a wall, my “friends” were headed to Dallas, and I didn’t want to go. “He’s safe & he’ll take you home,” they said. The men that just dated me as a diversion, I was so desperate to go out, I went out with them, even knowing that they weren’t interested in a long term relationship, just hoping they would change their mind. Even the last, I should have ended it two years before, when he moved.
It’s my fault my business has not gotten started before now. Then again, I needed to grow. That long road helped me realize what I must do. When I first wanted to start a business making money was. my only goal.
Let’s be honest, no longer employed means need to make money. But I am here to blaze a path. To guide people away from what I went through, or help shorten the journey through hell.
When you can scream in the mirror “I HATE YOU” and you do not believe you deserve anything thing but hate, then that is hell. That hell is why I NEED to help people.
As someone who’s always been guarded about my private life. Remember the “Well your dog is home alone” above and the ability of bosses, “friends” and others to turn my private life against me.
The biggest phobia was not the 12 interviews, the web-show, the 12 hours, any of that; those were minor. The biggest fear is that now it’s time to be public about my past. But that just it… my past. And that past is why I am here.
But here I am. Better, stronger, happier, and I LOVE ME! And I LOVE YOU!
Are you ready?
The trail blazing begins…
~ MJ LoveRockstar
Follow me on Twitter @LoveRockstar