To speak, or not to speak…. that is the question.

Perhaps it is not which option is right, but which option is the best for the most people. In the Wrath of Khan, Spock dies… to the words of “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few or the one.”

Yet while the story could help others, it almost literally destroyed me last time I tried to confess it. Last time I lost “friends,” (although there’s a funny story in it), left my church for years and nearly did something very stupid.

So while I think the story needs telling, now that I consider the previous cost, I don’t think I am strong enough to bear that cost right now.

The Cynic

Perhaps instead I should tell the story of the cynic. So many people have told me of the men in my life “that doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.” This is true of some men in my family. As for the men I’ve dated, this isn’t true. I don’t care how many ways you want to sugar coat it and tell me “oh well they show their love through….” sadly they didn’t do those things either, well mostly because of the next issue….

Last week,  I was told this “Don’t worry about him being mad, I heard he has a ‘friend'” of the guy who showed up after Thanksgiving.  But it could have been with any guy I dated, any time. Seriously I played stupid, but how many times can they have other things to do during holidays, special events, things where their friends are. Even the last “didn’t know how to change his FB relationship.”

My grandparents were married til their end.  My parents celebrated 43 years.   My brother and SIL celebrated 12 years together.

And it made me wonder what is so wrong with me that they couldn’t date just me? What is so wrong with me, that a boyfriend cares less about me than a friend I seldom see?

That is the Boyfriend Cynic

There is also the Party Cynic

You don’t find yourself standing alone at a bar with a bag of leis for your non-present friends without wondering what is wrong with you. This has happened a few times, variations of the theme… The leis I gave away that night. I finally got rid of the Tropical party set a few years ago, the 2 liter bottles of soda from the party this year is finally just one bottle.

But that said, I had an online party a few weeks ago, with lots of online guests. It hurt when a friend lectured me about not hosting an event and constantly pushing it. With puppies, work and the knowledge that even with telling everyone at my work everyday that my birthday party was that weekend and no one showing up…. it was hard to see pushing it constantly (even if I’d had more time).

I couldn’t take the heart break of joyfully telling everyone in the world repeatedly to find that no one showed.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known

This Green Day Song perhaps is my truth. Or maybe it’s time to accept that it is. See, I was the child in a world of grown ups. Books shielded me from the school peers with whom I didn’t fit.

But see, if it’s my truth now or always, it is the truth I must accept now. See this lonely road is the only one I’ve known.

This is not to say you aren’t here, reading my blog posts. To you, thank you and hugs for being here and reading my stories!
This is not to say I don’t have friends who are around the world. To you, thank you and I love you.
This is not to say that I don’t have parents who love me. To them, I love you.
This is not to say I don’t have adopted family. To you, I love you, thank you for “adopting me” and hugs.

But thinking that someone will come to visit me is done. Thinking that I will ever date again, is done.

Yes, I’d love to plan parties. Yes, I’d love to have my house full of friends. Yes, I’d love to have a sweetheart with whom there is mutual love. But my road is my own.

My road is lonely, but I can visit those of you. I can make plans and fill my life and know that my house will be filled with the warm love of those furry children who also have pieces of my heart. And I can share pieces of my heart, and realize that some of us will give away every bit of what we have inside our hearts…  This is not to say I would refuse a house full of visitors, but to pin a hope on it is done.  Accept my walk alone and then everything beyond that point becomes a plus….

So I started this a Shakespearean quote… to do or not to do…

I choose not to tell the painful truth.

I choose to accept that I walk alone, but my path has people alongside whom love me and I love them… this is my diamond, my light, my joy….

To you my diamonds,  I love you!

Live, Love, Accept

MJ Schrader

PS. You say you know someone, but do you? You say you understand but do you? Their light, their darkness, their voice, their silence, their joy, their pain, what you know is pieces of another. Don’t say you understand, say you ACCEPT. Accept them for who they are, who they aren’t. And LOVE that person, for what you see is only what is above the surface….

PPS If you want to prove there is something to believe in… please visit Unlock Your Personal Power and Help Children