The Lies People Tell
“I don’t ever post anything bad on Facebook. *YOU* shouldn’t if you are going to post success things.” Thus begins a lecture from someone who has a book on how to get rich, who makes just enough to cover her Virtual assistant. ”You are lucky don’t have kids” she tells me. While I had to give up my dream of having children I have no right to be upset because she lost one (and then had 2 more).
Her calls then dissolves into a gossip fest, asking about various people and if I think they are going to reach success before “us” when she really means her. She calls when she needs something or to lecture me about talking about children or boyfriends. She’s been married for 20 years but apparently she knows what it’s like to be single for 20 years.
At least I am real. I am not lying about being rich or being happy 100% of the time.
I get tired of being told by people who are married with children that they are alone all the time “just like you.” 95% of my meals are alone even at a restaurant. Not that you can’t be alone with others. 3 days of marriage and I thought of calling my parents to pick me up from the honeymoon. 5 words were spoken in 4 hours that morning. The last boyfriend wasn’t much better in that regard. He got mad at me several times and we drove 2 hours here or there with a dozen words, typically mine, in trying to get him to talk.
Broken Promises
My life has been full of broken promises. I realize everyone has them, but…
Read MoreI’m Mad Today
I’m mad.
I don’t want to be …. but I am.
I’m mad that I should be getting ready to leave for a seminar tomorrow, but I’m not. I’d looked forward to this seminar for months. The education, the networking, the getting out of the house, the working and growing and developing of friendships….
I’m mad that I got invited to another seminar and I don’t know how to afford to go.
I’m mad over the fact that grandaddy died. (silly I know and I know I can’t change it… but today it makes me mad) I’m mad that there is some family that remains on that side, but I won’t hear from them again. They’ve only called twice in the past 10 years, once was a mis-dial, the 2nd was to tell me to take down family pictures I had on myspace… (they were hidden from most people, except my close friends and that dear cousin) Dad’s family died 4 years ago. Mom’s is now gone…
I’m mad that there is no future generation. My parents, my brother, my sis-in-law and me.
I’m mad over men who only want to see my exterior, and not see the smart, compassionate, passionate person inside.
I’m mad that I don’t know what it’s like to be in MUTUAL love, to have some man love me.
Read MoreHow I Became Spock…
Sadly we interpret things through very strange lenses as children. We catch statements and make them our truths even when they are meant to be a statement or information for the time. Things change, and statements said are sometimes said carelessly.
Thus it was, yet I took it to heart. My heart has always been soft. Life has taught me to be tough and so I can be, but beneath is a soft heart, full of passion and compassion. Yet as a child, my heart was prone to crying when scolded which was followed with “Stop crying or I’ll give you a reason to cry.”
Along the way the words became twisted, especially when the emerging hormones of teenage life took over. It was bad enough, feeling out of control, wanting to cry one minute and be happy another. The “Stop crying” ruled me, and watching Star Trek I realized that Vulcans had emotions long ago, and learned to control them. Nothing said it could not be done inside myself. This made sense to a child who had always been far more serious than her age.
So I learned to stop crying.
At 18, a guy finally was interested in me. As the first guy interested in me, I ignored all our differences. He sexually assaulted me one day. Since it wasn’t rape, I didn’t know what to do. I told no one, but hate raged. I locked it down, and with it, love.
It seems emotions are yen and yang, in my youth I did not see the alternative loss.
Read MoreA Must Read for You
Good bye 2010.
You started evil, included the worst summer in my over 30 years of life. Like any roller coaster, there are hills and valleys, thrills and disappointments. The journey teaches lessons as it goes, as long as we are willing to learn.
The Top 10 Lessons of 2010 will be covered on MJSchrader.com. The first post in the series will run January 2nd. But that is my professional blog, while some of the lessons were personal, I tried to cover professionally. If you are here, you are wanting my personal side. Thank you for followed me for 8 years through all the blog changes.
First the negative
The year started bad, part of the ceiling in my garage collapsing on the first day. Then the year went average other than low income until June 1st, starting the summer from h*ll. My grandmother had unrecoverable stroke, 3 lumps confirmed in Grandaddy’s lungs, treatments are not an option. Rats trashed my garage, weeks of poisoning meant dead stinking rats in my walls during a hot summer, a constant reminder. My dog developed a food allergy, my cat a urinary problem, the plumbing problem. Grandmother died. We worried Grandaddy was going to die. Funeral stuff. My closest friend, knowing my history, turned it against me, attacked me verbally, (attacking my life, boyfriend, and I in January) then disappeared when I asked for help. No other close friends locally. I missed Unseminar 8, WordPress business crashed, Energy biz crashed. People who knew some, how flow was constant, who wondered how I bared it, often I did too. Others stepped in with tons of advice without knowing what was happening, my personality or needs, when what I needed was friends not advice. Money went from tight to even tighter, and then…
and then….
The Good
Vicki seemed to call the times I needed a friend the most. She is more powerful than she knows. Kelly stood beside me, a bright light in the storm. My mom understood, both her and Dad encouraged my dreams. Ethan and Jan offered love. Tam and Rhonda offered gentle guidance that anchored my soul. Fred is my heart and allowed me to step away from the storm. Many of my Unseminar friends (Karen, Kate, Barb, Ann, and others) started contacting, reaching and, guiding me. The Maestas family took me in as my own family shrinks.
Allison, Bonnie, Brenda, Brandi, Holly, Jacqui, Stacie, Steph, SSSemester and many bloggers went from being people I knew, to reaching my soul and heart. The McNana family gave an online family.
Offline, Tayelor and I enjoyed many cups of tea together. Kandi and Leora asked me to share lunch and understanding my tight budget. Susan P and Susan S appeared at the same time, both beautiful radiant souls. Tony gave inspiration. Prince was and is Prince. Keli, Heath and other classmates offered comfort. Then the jump back into SOC that brought more love than before. So many more… so much. Thank you.
Thank you for everything…
my budget may still be tight but…
I have all the riches in the world…
I have all the riches in the world…
I have ALL the riches in the world…
For all I lost, I gained so much more, there was more to this post… stuff about other changes, but the only note that matters currently is love. To everyone reading this, to everyone
Thank you for giving me more than money can ever buy. You are all rockstars.
May your inner rockstar shine with more light than you ever knew was possible.
I Love You!
MJ Schrader
Read More11 ~ Compliments Welcome ~ 30 Days of Truth
Another day from the 30 Days of Truth Prompt for Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on. Bonus posts this week!! The 10th will be “A Memory Shared“ and then the 12th will be Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
As much as I write, the compliments are surprisingly few. Typically remarks that I write a lot and a few compliments that my writing is good. If you have not figured it out by now, I had a few years with low self-esteem, and I do worry about my writing.
Something I get a lot of compliments on…
Two things. As far as something I can do, my baking skills have always gotten compliments. I had the easy oven and started baking cakes then. When I first got on my own, I made cakes quite often. Now I bake breads, cookies and pies. Recipes to me are guidelines. I replace things with what I have, or what I think will compliment better.
In a few weeks, neighbors expect to receive Cinnamon Apple bread. It is a zucchini bread recipe with this, that and the other changed. Gradually modified into the current recipe. Today I made Lebkuchen, you can read more about that story in 2 days. It actually followed the recipe other than making icing with orange juice.
The physical thing people compliment me on is my smile. People tell me it lights up, it’s beautiful, that I shine… *blushing*
Smile, Bake, Laugh, Love
MJ Schrader
Read MoreViva La Vida
Welcome to my personal blog. This blog in various forms and formats has been in existence since 2000. As for why this is called Viva La Vida, it means "live the life" in Spanish, but it is a salute to living life to the fullest. And my hope is that you will live life to the fullest!
This is my personal blog! So viva la vida with me!!