Posts Tagged "fear of rejection"

The Invisible Pain

Posted by MJ on Sep 26, 2011 in My Truth | 2 comments

I was hoping the doctor fixed my ear infection in the spring.  I had a sneaky suspicion that the Eustachian Tube was still blocked, but I wasn’t certain.  Now as the weather cools down I know it is.  It’s like someone hits me upside the head with a brick then puts their hand on my ear and neck on that side and holds them down.  I feel the pain all the way beneath my ear, down the side of my neck and I’d say the pain stops there.  Yesterday I noticed the muscles on that side of my shoulder are so knotted that it’s almost as big as a fist….

Probably need someone to rub that out.  Except there is no one who will, unless I pay a masseuse.  ”Hey, you should go to the doctor about your ear.”

The ear and the masseuse require money.  There are other things that are higher priority that require money.  ”But you’re in pain.”

Yup, but it will change.  And Doctors well, they didn’t fix it before.  They don’t believe in natural methods and I do.

Besides what is pain?

When I was younger I had a weird fear of being invisible.  Perhaps because oddly enough, I was.

11 ~ Compliments Welcome ~ 30 Days of Truth

Posted by MJ on Dec 8, 2010 in 30 Days of Truth | 0 comments

Another day from the 30 Days of Truth Prompt for  Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.   Bonus posts this week!!  The 10th will be “A Memory Shared“  and then the 12th will be Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

As much as I write, the compliments are surprisingly few.  Typically remarks that I write a lot and a few compliments that my writing is good.  If you have not figured it out by now, I had a few years with low self-esteem, and I do worry about my writing.

Something I get a lot of compliments on…

Two things.  As far as something I can do, my baking skills have always gotten compliments.   I had the easy oven and started baking cakes then.   When I first got on my own, I made cakes quite often.  Now I bake breads, cookies and pies.   Recipes to me are guidelines.   I replace things with what I have, or what I think will compliment better.

In a few weeks, neighbors expect to receive Cinnamon Apple bread.  It is a zucchini bread recipe with this, that and the other changed.  Gradually modified into the current recipe.  Today I made Lebkuchen, you can read more about that story in 2 days.   It actually followed the recipe other than making icing with orange juice.

The physical thing people compliment me on is my smile.   People tell me it lights up, it’s beautiful, that I shine…   *blushing*

Smile, Bake, Laugh, Love

MJ Schrader

30 Days of Truth ~ 1 I Am Scared

Posted by MJ on Nov 7, 2010 in 30 Days of Truth | 0 comments

Today is day 1 of the 30 Days of Truth, which is “Something you hate about yourself.”

It was just a few years ago that I could give you a laundry list of all the things I hate about myself.  The list would have been both very deep and very wide.  Sadly the list would have been very detailed as well.  Now, I’ve accepted myself mostly, although I hate that I am afraid.

Not of spiders, bugs, mice or snakes.  Yes some of those may make me jump, mostly if they startle me.  There are some circumstances that make me uncomfortable, but do not make me afraid.

I bravely write in this blog.  I tell you that I was anorexic, I was bullied.  Here, I can tell you almost anything.  As a blogger, I have courage.  Yet, my dream is to be a published writer.  This involves exactly what I do here, but … I am afraid.

I am afraid that writing a book will result in a book that will allow people to discover my writing is a fraud.   I am afraid I will write and no one will buy it.  I am afraid my writing won’t fit some invisible mold, which I didn’t fit when I barely passed creative writing.

Yes, if my writing was a fraud, it would have been discovered some time before 470 articles have been published in various places.  (Articles by MJ Schrader)   Yes, my friends would buy my book, if only for me. Yes, a teacher who barely passes someone who wrote like crazy in CREATIVE writing, probably has issues.  But who said fears made sense?

I hate being afraid.  What about you?

Live, Laugh, Love,

MJ Schrader

Asking for help

Posted by MJ on Oct 27, 2009 in Life | 9 comments

Like I said in the last post, I have been fighting depression, and trying to accept that people want to spend time with me.  In school sticking my nose in a book helped me not get picked on (even by a PE teacher, who coached my classmates into calling me names and hitting me).  Crying got me in trouble at home.  At 10 I had a detailed suicide plan.

Last weekend I was asked about dating in high school.  I didn’t date in high school not even asked out.  But I was happy to have a small group of friends.  Crushes, PE, weaknesses were ammunition for being attacked.  Married, my ex would say I was beautiful, but he didn’t want to touch me except in public, and I was friendless.  Bosses called me stupid, yet I was the one to call to fix things.  Any weakness I showed was attacked; yet I am the healer, the counselor.

My brain understand these are opposite messages.  My brain understands the negative things are just that and are something I need to let go.  Yet hiding behind books growing up, being cut off later, I have very few friends locally and then they are often busy with parental duties.  So I find myself wondering how to make friends…

Part of this is my own fault, because while I said a few months ago I would ask for help, but still don’t actively seek friends.   Calling people, visiting people are in the “don’t be a burden” memory banks.  So I trust a limited one or two and continue to feel isolated and unable to balance the opposites.

Then at Unseminar 7, after a speaker,upon standing, I felt the wave hit.  Shaking hands meant my blood sugar dropped.  I told Maggie I was going to get a candy bar, she saw my hands and told me to sit, and Bill to watch me. Suddenly there were people every where.  Lynette behind me. Rahdi, Jayson, and others, I don’t know who, because I was suddenly hot, my heart was beating like war drums.  My fumbling fingers couldn’t open a stupid banana, I was weak…

and there was no attack…

no one saying you are a failure, crybaby, idiot, you shoulda this, you shoulda that…

Suddenly I had a protein bar, meal bar and banana, which Jayson opened when he saw I couldn’t get it open. Lynette fanned my neck, and someone helped me slip off the shirt jacket I was wearing. Bill tested my blood. …

and I was loved…

I am loved.

How do I say thank you?

How can I be a friend?

So I ask for help… please teach me to be a friend…

MJ Schrader

It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past

Posted by MJ on Sep 24, 2009 in Life | 2 comments

Perhaps you know, perhaps you don’t, but on my Facebook I have Movie Mondays. Every Monday, my status all day long is a quote from a movie. If I update it, I change it to a different movie. The game is played simply by replying with a different quote from the movie.

One of the movies this week was “Lion King,” and I went to IMDB to find a quote to use, I like using one that’s not too obvious. Yet, in reading the quotes I could not help but think about life and the choices made in the past and things that happened in the past. Sometimes we get stuck in the past and demand certain things from it.

We decide our past is the only possible future. We expect to be bound and limited by past limitations. Or even expect because people told you repeatedly you are a failure that when you start moving towards success, you wait patiently for someone to slap your knuckles and say you are still a failure. When no one does, you slow up, waiting… waiting to be told, or somehow make it true. Or not allowing yourself to stretch or grow because of your past limitations, and making them your current limitations.

But here’s a scene for you…

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back will mean facing my past. I’ve been running from it for so long. [Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick] Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki: It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.

Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.

So, rather than be stuck in the past, use the past pains, the past limitations to learn from them. If some limit does actually still exist, find a way to work around it. If something in your past does hurt you, look at it again. Perhaps someone hurt you, maybe they were in a painful point in their life, maybe they could not see your point of view, maybe they thought they were being helpful. But whatever happened, happened in the past, you can’t change it, no one else can change it.

What happens in your future is up to you, this is something I am trying to accept now.

A friend’s marriage is ending because of deception. My dating experiences are limited, and unfortunately have included some bad experiences, as mentioned in the “It’s my fault” post. It is easy to look at the past and say so the future will be. That’s not fair or true. It’s not right for me to sabotage prospects, deny possible men, or expect the worst. Yet I have.

So here and now I make a choice. I choose to allow opportunities even though they may scare me. In my business life I choose to accept success is something I can have. I choose to accept that someone can like me for who I am as a person.

Are you allowing your past to hold you prisoner?

Are you sabotaging your future to make your past correct?

It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past

Rock on!

MJ Schrader

LoveRockstar