Posts Tagged "sick"

I Choose Life

Posted by MJ on Aug 15, 2010 in Life | 16 comments

This post was written June 25th, but not wanting to hurt anyone I did not publish it.  Today I will.

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For years I never mentioned that I was an anorexic in my past. But as the years passed I slowly starting talking about why it happened and accepted that it was part of what made me, me. Years had passed so I thought that it meant I was over it.

I was wrong.

In the past month, my grandmother had a stroke, rats invaded my garage and started eating everything, bills are piling up, my small family is crumbling, my writing is falling behind, my sales are declining. Each day brought something new. It would be easy, so easy, too easy, to stop eating.  Instead I am over working myself as a means of  control, trying to get back on track.   Yet the temptation is here. I am not hungry and unlike everything else, eating is something I could control.

It was a control.

When my anorexia started, it was merely something I could control. My then husband controlled where I went, who I hung out with, even what we ate. He did not like healthy foods, he loved fried foods especially fast food. It was an ultimatum that I went with him and often his dad. So we went out for cheap hamburgers 2, 3 or 4 times a week.  The salad menu was too expensive and I’d hear about it for hours, so I never got those. Slowly I stopped eating anything greasy, then anything fried, until I was down to almost nothing.

What happened?

Eventually I woke up, I told him we needed help and he left. While my anorexia was bad, it was far from being severe; yet, it still affected my health for years. There are still residual effects, especially when I get stressed. And while the past month would have made it easy to go back, I knew better.

Yet…

It was still hard. I had to force myself to eat. Twice friends asked how I could eat the things I threw together to make certain I ate vegetables and meat. Then my grandmother died. Things went in mad rush, I was not hungry and had little time to eat, but I did at least once a day.

The breaking point.

Then just days later a friend started chatting with me. Her children went to visit their fathers, she was so depressed to not have any children at home.  She was upset that her parents kept visiting and telling her to eat. She knows I have anorexia in my past.  She was not hungry so she was just going to eat the minimum calories possible, so she was asking me how many calories were in coffee, creamer and sugar. I told her to just eat.  She was upset. “I am not hungry!”  Neither was I, but I was eating

Recovering anorexic

In that moment I realized ex-anorexic was not correct. “Just eat,” I begged softer, she told me how she needs to lose weight and she is not hungry.  (She is obsessed with weight.)  I was not hungry either, but I want to live. I want her to live. It would be easy to stop eating, but I want to be strong.

I am a recovering anorexic. I choose to eat.

I choose life.

But he doesn’t hit me…

Posted by MJ on Nov 24, 2009 in Life | 2 comments

This is something I’ve heard several times this week.   Years ago, I repeated “but he has never hit me” while looking at a marriage that was so wrong.  So while I wanted to tell a story about New Mexico, this post is more important.

Regular readers know I was married.  Over 12 years have passed, since I asked for us to get counseling, instead after work the house was half empty.   Since then I dated guys with whom no future could exist.  As a counseling student I know my choices were to “keep me safe” because I didn’t want to trust anyone although now someone is knocking on my heart… but that’s for another post.

Dating my ex-husband, he held my hand and sent “BIG” gifts to work, things for permanent display.  Never roses, or dark blue irises that I love or flowers at all.  This was all show, but being young and dumb “this meant he loved me.”

Married; the affection he showed in public remained the same, or even grew.   The gifts were big and sent to work.  Flowers added after much pleading, were given at home with a “I got them from the grocery discount bin” which showed.   He barely talked to or touched me in private.   Praising my accounting degree he didn’t trust me with his bank information.   Yet  he never hit me.

After working a 12 hour day, I refused to cook, so he grudgingly bought food for us, although I got food poisoning so bad I slept in front of the toilet.  Fixing dinner I sliced my finger almost to the bone, neither time did he care.

When I disagreed, he would cup my ears, mashing his palms & my hair into my ears.  Then would “talk to me” except I couldn’t hear him, and it appeared he was mumbling.  If I wanted to be alone, he would grab my arm and force me to stay.  But he never hit me. The contrary messages messed with my self-worth.   When I woke up, and saw every bone in my body was visible, I realized “He doesn’t hit me” isn’t good enough.

I deserve someone who can hold my hand, hug me or kiss me in public or private, in front of family or friends.  Someone willing to compromise and honor promises.  Someone who would get medicine for me, willing to watch shows I like.  I am laid back, but I am not a doormat.  This is almost 2010 and I am almost…. respect me for who I am, or walk away.  Respect, honor and most important love.  Put love first everything else will fall into place.

How about some you may have seen or heard.  Excessive teasing.  Berating someone in public.  Constantly accusing someone of cheating, being mad, sad, or whatever.  Name calling.  Finding a reason to fight.  Here’s one women use a lot, “you know why I am mad.”  He or she “doesn’t hit me” is not good enough for me.  And I am here to tell you, IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU EITHER.

So what if your significant other doesn’t hit you.  If you use that phrase, your relationship is probably an abusive relationship.  Ask for counseling, walk away, whatever, it is time for a change.  A relationship is compromise, honor, respect, and love.  Actually the first should be love.

Summary:

“Doesn’t hit me” is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.    LOVE IS.

Sorry for the rant, but this is something my heart said to talk about this week.

MJ Schrader

Click here for Signs of Abuse

Now these 3 remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is ♥ LOVE ♥

Losing Time

Posted by MJ on Aug 27, 2009 in Life | 0 comments

I have a sinus infection. Hate when that happens.  Finally realized that after 4 days of my head non-stop hurting. Of course, when I admit that I have a sinus infection someone will tell me to go to a doctor, which means antibiotics. Been kicked by a horse twice, cut my finger almost to the bone, broke my baby toe, and didn’t go to a doctor, so nope, not going for this.

Did just do a Cayenne sinus rinse. Yes, it’s just like it sounds. A sinus rinse with a pinch of Cayenne pepper. THANK GOD, when I am in pain I lose verbal skills. So instead of swearing, screaming, and other such profanities, I hit my skull with the palm of my hand, stamped my foot, and scared the dog.

BUT NOW I CAN THINK!! My head is finally feeling clearer and I can actually feel the infection deciding it doesn’t want to fight with someone as crazy as me. “Wow, that woman actually put cayenne IN HER NOSE to get rid of me…”

But I should have listened to my body. Instead I was unable to think clearly for days and blaming everything else under the sun. Friday and Saturday night I went out with friends from many years ago. I have never been one to go out much, so 2 nights of drinking, hollering, and hanging out might effect my body I thought. Even though I didn’t drink that much, and Saturday night rather than drive the hour home exhausted, I stayed in Dallas with friends. (Thank you B.A. Thank you P.S., there is a post dedicated just to this past weekend in the works.

The heat here has been bad. My office is the warmest room in my house. Top that with a 30 minute walk EVERY morning even in this heat. Add puppy-sitting mom’s 9 puppies, which means checking on them, catching and playing with them etc… in 100+ degree weather. So I blamed these factors. That’s why I am so tired. Why my muscles hurt, why I am sleeping horribly and then having to take long naps.

All the while watching my eyes getting puffier and growing ever bigger black circles. The number one sign of my having a sinus infection is staring me in the face every time I look in the mirror.

Yet this is something we often do. We forget to listen to our bodies, to borrow from Princess Bride (simply because it’s epically funny) “If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.”

But the previous line is important as well, Prince Humperdink tells Count Rogen “Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I’m swamped!”

While I do hope that those exact things are not in your schedule, my dear reader, I wonder if your schedule is as full? Or perhaps it’s even more jam-packed?

Because you have “so much to do” you don’t listen when your body tells you that something is not right. If you do notice not feeling well, you blame the wrong things, like I blamed the late nights, the heat, etc… If you don’t take care of your health then you lose part of your life.

Literally.

I lost 3 days of work, because I couldn’t focus on my writing. So an assignment that I should have finished yesterday, still has two days of work left. On the plus side I was able to study a course, but had I been feeling better I would not have had to hit replay 3 times during one section.

But we’ve all done it. You’ve gotten the flu, been “too busy to rest” as necessary. So rather than rest a day or so, you keeping working. Jobs that are normally quick and easy are slow and cumbersome. Then the flu laughs at you becoming easy prey, and you spend the next few days to week in bed with the flu. Coughing, sneezing, hurting, and worse.

Time is something we can’t get back; so make a choice…

Do you want to listen to your body or lose time?

Live ♥ Laugh ♥ Love

MJ Schrader

LoveRockstar

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