In the last post I explained how hard it has been to accept friends and emotions. When I found out my grandmother had a stoke, I called 3 friends, “Stacy, Ann, and Joy” who knew I buried emotions and asked for help. These friends whom I have helped, felt like they would help, and they said they would.
Family in town consists of mom, dad and I. My parents have a farm with a cat, horse, many dogs, many chickens, vegetable garden and a berry patch both getting ripe. I have 2 cats, 2 dogs. We also were afraid it’d be a double funeral with my grandaddy going shortly after. A possibility existed we were going to need help. “Stacy,” friend of 30 years promised to help. Ann said she’d help, Joy said I’d be ok.
June 13th Granny died. June 14th I took mom to the airport, becoming a farmer June 15th. Dad was on overtime, plus I needed the distraction. Naturally we had a early heatwave. That night Stacy calls needing help with her kids at the fair. I told her the day before, again that night to find someone else I was overwhelmed… but the third call she begged she “had no one else.” Her kids are my weakness. Reluctantly I agreed, thus spent day 2 of farm life completely exhausted.
June 18th was the start of a seminar. Friends (including “Ann”) had my ticket, I’d have to pay for part of a room (Thank you Elaine, Martha, Kate), food and drive 4.5 hours… each way. But my budget was shot, my nerves were shot, my mom was not home which meant drive in Sat night to leave the next from a high energy seminar to be a farmer Monday.
Saturday night I was at home, alone, the first break I had. Suddenly it all hit. I wasn’t able to talk to mom about family, we normally talk almost everyday. Her family lives in a tech phobic town and mom could be at any one of 4 homes. (no wifi, little internet, cells don’t work until you drive 10 minutes away!) My grandmother being dead. A family member taking granny’s stuff. August weather in June. Missing the seminar. Mad at feeling too exhausted to safely drive 4.5 hours to Austin. Choking back tears too much too call, I sent a text to Stacy. She was “going to church.” 90 minutes later “at the store” 90 minutes later “in bed, turning off phone” at 7:30.
Thus I focused all my pain, anger and frustration at the 6 shrubs that needed removing. 30+ year old shrubs are stronger than my 18v reciprocating saw, but they could not match someone who was mad and had a pair of loppers. I chopped off every limb, leaving the stumps. I took pictures for Facebook, so I could have pictures before, during and after. A friend “V” 730 miles away whose little children were going to bed started sending texts “are you ok?” my pictures worried her, and she checked on me regularly to keep me from getting too carried away with the shrubs.
On Tuesday while driving to the farm I called Ann. She lectured about not pushing myself to drive to the seminar and that is why my business was not succeeding. Note: a few weeks before I did 2 hours of WordPress work for free for her. That night, 3 days later, Stacy sends a text “figured u’d b ok, I needed sleep.” I was not happy, but dismissed my anger and did not respond. Only to have a mutual friend, who doesn’t talk to Stacy, chat with me that I shouldn’t be upset, that Stacy has a lot going on.
Well, months before during Stacy’s divorce, since she “was going through a lot” I didn’t get upset over her phone call that would make a sailor blush. (replace all stars with bad sex or cuss words) She told me the only reason guys would ever want me was to (bad words) *** then she screamed disgusting sexual names at me ****** She called my boyfriend names **** screaming and chewing me out because all he wants is **** A few months later she called me childish names for driving a go cart slow when my 4 year old passenger was in tears for going too fast. I will not terrify a 4 year old to make an adult happy. I blew these off, because she had a lot going on… now I had a lot going on. She wanted my help at the fair days before but she couldn’t help me, this was the final blow.
To keep from calling Stacy while furious, I watered the rock hard ground & 30+ year old hedges. Using a shovel and loppers to cut major roots I tore them out of the ground. The last one torn out well after dark. At least my destruction was on things needed doing.
What only my mom and one other person knew until now, is here June Chaos a Photo Journal. July 3rd was fast approaching, I wanted to be in New Mexico as my boyfriend and I agreed, for a reunion of the first day we met, yet there was no money to get there.
June 30th. A miracle happened. There was enough money to make it to NM. My new coaching program had people raving, leaving me confident and assured when I got back I’d have at least 5 clients, probably 10. It’s a 10 hour drive, so the next morning was quick. Pack and dash off an email asking various online friends to please email their lists as I had already done. The class was awesome and I was leaving “on faith.”
It was a wonderful trip, a nice break … Driving 10 hours home full of LOA (Law of Attraction) goodness. Thinking about sales lined up, new friends coming, that I’d take the WordPress world by storm so I could have some time to write the book on my heart. Seriously how could I not? Look at Elephant Butte below.
Instead of coming home to multiple PayPal emails, I came home to an email from Joy jumping me, again, about “my bad attitude” & to not contact her again. Maybe if I practiced LOA good things would come to me. Catching up on Facebook, another friend who said I was too negative had become best friends with someone whom she had called extremely negative.
~~~
Since then I have done a lot of thinking (and writing for multiple contests) Thinking about business and business direction. Visions, dreams and friends. What I want and what I need. A recurring thought, I have always wanted people to want and love me for who I am.
Last weekend grief hit me about all this. I want to know what to believe?
Should I reach to the 2 friends I trusted? I forgive them but how can trust again? Stacy was not there when I needed her. She sent me texts but hasn’t called. Ann hasn’t contacted me since Un8.
In the dust of June and July… I find myself down several friends. Many other people online (Thank You) who have stepped up but I don’t know as well as I would like. But how do I judge the real friends from the others?
Follow your passion? I love writing about WordPress, online tools and I would love for them to grow so I can give freely to helping people who are trying to get over emotional and mental abuse.
Do LOA? Believe you have support lined up to help you deal with a double funeral and find they won’t help you with one. Believe with all your heart over a whole weekend & 20 hour drive you will have friends and business success, instead get another person grinding your heart in the ground.
A great deal of my friends online are proponents of LOA. I know they are into passion.
Well, here is the truth people. I love writing about WordPress and online tools. I want to be able to support myself, and to travel. Also to follow the growing desire to reach out and speak in conferences to help people find their strength that too many try to kill. I want to have friends to call and will talk instead of saying I am busy. (To friends I don’t call, this is why; I am scared.) It would be awesome for my phone to ring with someone telling me the wonderful stuff that happened in their day.
This was supposed to be a short rant…
I guess not.
Hey but you know what… I still have faith. Despite the above. Despite people are going to blast me for a negative post. Despite people mistaking my being serious and studious for being upset, (little secret when I sound studious I am probably researching or making plans, which means I am very happy.)
I have faith. I believe my life will reach others, I want to reach 10 million lives and unleash their inner strength and beauty because I know my inner strength and beauty has been buried and bruised and it’d be easy to allow it again after June… but I will fly.
Live ♥ Laugh ♥ Love
~ MJ Schrader
P.S. Did you notice this blog theme changed? It went from black and grey to beautiful white with red. 🙂
PPS I still believe if we embrace Live, Laugh, Love, life would be better
I loved every dirty word in this post. MJ Shrader you TOTALLY ROCK. You have said it like it is without mincing words and I commend you. Healing at a deep level requires honesty & this sweet friend is a great start.
I noticed the new layout and design right away and stopped to really look at you. For the first time I really saw the inner beauty radiating out. You look truly happy. I smiled.
Hold onto your faith. I feel very confident that MJ stands for Miraculous Journey. Congratulations on writing a truly controversial post.
Ah, so trueness shines through and what a joyful celebration that is. In the truth of you is the shining star that you were born to be. Yay for you MJ! Your Dear Friend Tam is a Dear Friend of mine and it sounds like I will be getting to know you. I look forward to the journey. Love & Joy, Rhonda
MJ,
I did not find your post to be negative. I found it to be honest, and honesty is good. Your feelings are valid because they are your feelings, so don’t allow anyone to judge you. I just listened to a great interview that Matt Furey conducted with one of his clients. The client turned his life around, and one thing he did was to shed old friends that did not empower him. I have no idea who your friends mentioned in the blog are or how long you have had them, and I am not judging them. I don’t know the full situation, and I am just speaking in general. If you find that your online friends support you and empower you, then cultivate those relationships. Some of my very best and most supportive friends are people I have never met in person. My online peeps give me amazing support and advice. I could not imagine taking this journey without them.
Now, about the Law of Attraction. There is something to the LOA. Is it as simple and complete and effective as some of the gurus suggest that it is? I have not found it to be so. But I don’t worry about that. I just expect the best everyday and take steps in the right direction. One of my favorite axioms is this Buddhist proverb: “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” You have chosen your direction. If it is right for you (and if you love it I would suggest that it is right), then just continue taking steps everyday in that direction. I have learned a few things in my 4 year online journey. Internet marketing is not easy, and success is not quick. You will have glowing moments, and you will have setbacks. But if it’s what you want to do, just keep going in that direction. MJ, just continue being you and continue doing what you love to do.
Peace and blessings to you,
Buz
MJ,
I did not find your post to be negative. I found it to be honest, and honesty is good. Your feelings are valid because they are your feelings, so don't allow anyone to judge you. I just listened to a great interview that Matt Furey conducted with one of his clients. The client turned his life around, and one thing he did was to shed old friends that did not empower him. I have no idea who your friends mentioned in the blog are or how long you have had them, and I am not judging them. I don't know the full situation, and I am just speaking in general. If you find that your online friends support you and empower you, then cultivate those relationships. Some of my very best and most supportive friends are people I have never met in person. My online peeps give me amazing support and advice. I could not imagine taking this journey without them.
Now, about the Law of Attraction. There is something to the LOA. Is it as simple and complete and effective as some of the gurus suggest that it is? I have not found it to be so. But I don't worry about that. I just expect the best everyday and take steps in the right direction. One of my favorite axioms is this Buddhist proverb: “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” You have chosen your direction. If it is right for you (and if you love it I would suggest that it is right), then just continue taking steps everyday in that direction. I have learned a few things in my 4 year online journey. Internet marketing is not easy, and success is not quick. You will have glowing moments, and you will have setbacks. But if it's what you want to do, just keep going in that direction. MJ, just continue being you and continue doing what you love to do.
Peace and blessings to you,
Buz
MJ, I'm so sorry for all the struggles you've had lately. Your shoulders just don't look big enough to have been carrying all that!
I've been through that time in my life where people said to me “Gosh, with friends like that you don't NEED enemies.” I'm glad I've moved past it, as you are doing now. One of the things I did when I was learning to deal with my feelings (and MY GOODNESS there was a lot bottled up in me) was write. I found it therapeutic. I titled one notebook PURGE and and I wrote in it letters to the people who had inflicted the most pain upon me. At the end of each letter was my vow of forgiveness. None of the letters were ever sent. The forgiveness was for me, not them. I also went to a counselor a couple times a week during the worst times of my life. It was great to have a safe place where I could say anything *and get healthy feedback*.
My father (who passed away in 1987) taught me “Find something you really love to do, and then find someone who will pay you to do it…. you'll never work a day in your life.” Sounds to me like you're well on your way. GOOD JOB!
You have a right to all of your feelings and it sounds like you worked them out in a pretty healthy way – bushes be gone! I had a railroad spike, a 4 by 4 post and a heavy hammer. During my divorce, I at one point put the spike all the way into the garage floor.
In my experience, the LOA isn't hard work – it's trusting your feelings (which from where I sit look pretty accurate) and moving in the direction your inspiration takes you.
Thank you for reminding me how far I've come in my journey. You're headed in the right direction, my friend. Trust your feelings, even if your *friends* don't. Faith will get you where you want to be.
Love and BIG hugs!
Miss Holly
MJ: I could not agree more than with Tam-I-Am with what she said: “I feel very confident that MJ stands for Miraculous Journey.” The journey is not easy, but who said it would be? You are working through big things and moving on to even bigger things. Be proud of yourself for all the things you have endured and accomplished. But keep your eye on your target of ultimate life and business success!
Of course, we all go through “stuff” in our lives but know it all makes us stronger individuals. You may have heard this through the LOA that there will come a time you need to take a long hard (and this may not be easy) look at those in your inner circle and decide if they are helping you move forward in your life in a healthy way or are the holding you back. You may very well need to do some weeding out. It does not mean you need to completely cut them out, but maybe not allow them to be such an intimate part of your life.
No ONE! I mean no one deserves to be treated as you have by these individuals. You have a heart of gold and you are on your Miraculous Journey and if anyone does get in your way towards your success and greatness…remember, you are too dang good for that junk!! 🙂 *HUGS*
Jennifer Rundall 🙂
I must have missed it – what was controversial?
That said … If I was to make a guess, I'd say that these friends date back to when you had the abusive boyfriend, too. And that getting rid of him was just a first step.
NO ONE has the right to verbally abuse you as you recount Stacy and Ann as doing. We all have 'stuff going on in our lives', abusing others is a choice MOST of us decide against. Their actions were just plain wrong, no excuses allowed.
I'm thrilled that you are in a better mind set now.
Some friends who are still in my circle tell me to be happy no matter what. Others think LOA is the Holy Grail and you never argue with it. While I think there is a point to finding happy points, believing in good things, to say that these are the end all bothers me. Things happen. We need to grieve, things end, sometime things do not work, which is not what some LOA peeps believe. (all stuff you know ♥ which is why you are cool.)
Thank you. Fern
MJ
MJ: I could not agree more than with Tam-I-Am with what she said: “I feel very confident that MJ stands for Miraculous Journey.” The journey is not easy, but who said it would be? You are working through big things and moving on to even bigger things. Be proud of yourself for all the things you have endured and accomplished. But keep your eye on your target of ultimate life and business success!
Of course, we all go through “stuff” in our lives but know it all makes us stronger individuals. You may have heard this through the LOA that there will come a time you need to take a long hard (and this may not be easy) look at those in your inner circle and decide if they are helping you move forward in your life in a healthy way or are the holding you back. You may very well need to do some weeding out. It does not mean you need to completely cut them out, but maybe not allow them to be such an intimate part of your life.
No ONE! I mean no one deserves to be treated as you have by these individuals. You have a heart of gold and you are on your Miraculous Journey and if anyone does get in your way towards your success and greatness…remember, you are too dang good for that junk!! 🙂 *HUGS*
Jennifer Rundall 🙂
Miss Holly,
It took a lot to learn to go with the anger but channel it. In this case I probably could not have torn those shrubs out of the ground by myself, although I'm impressed on the 4×4.
Thank you for your support and wonderful ideas and telling me, showing me there is a “further down” the road that is better and clearer.
LOVE ♥ HUGS ♥
MJ
Tam,
Sorry your response.. was very hard for me. You mean so much, I guess because I know our souls are deeply aligned.. similarities have struck me several times even though it seems like we only have brief encounters.
So glad I will be working with you and Rhonda. You inspire me regularly, in ways that are hard to explain. Thank you Tam I am. I am Tam.
MJ
Rhonda, I have kept myself hidden for so long, but more an more of me has leaked though, and less and less of me is able to slip back into hiding.
Thank you so much for this upcoming journey I am looking forward to it
♥ HUGS ♥ LOVE ♥ LIGHT
MJ
Buz,
The only reason I felt it was negative, because a lot of it was mostly personal thoughts and feelings was that we know many people who so into LOA. Some of the ones I know believe you can only be positive, if you didn't have something positive happen it was because you did not believe enough.
However from knowing you from Twenty's programs and other places, I know you take the realistic approach rather than over the top. But like you said with the Buddhist proverb, you must keep going the right direction. We cannot climb a mountain top in a single step, rather we must take many steps to get there. And glad to see some one who's been climbing that “online” mountain almost as long. (7 years)
Peace & Love to you Buz!
~ MJ
Jennifer,
It was great talking to you tonight. What my future will be is becoming more clear. WordPress will still be in it, but not the same way. And as we discussed pretty much my inner circle is almost completely gone. Those who have stepped in (which will require a bit of trust on my part) are amazing and healthy.
Life will be interesting. Expect in the next 2 weeks, me to come forward with what my business is now, it won't be the same.
MJ
I did write quite a bit about WordPress. You can see most of my WordPress work over at http://RockstarGuideBooks.com. In addition to the video I believe I posted about Platinum 2 or 3 times. Platinum is extremely nice (even if I am not an SEO person)
Yes I would be interested in writing for you!
Thank you MJ