Like I said in the last post, I have been fighting depression, and trying to accept that people want to spend time with me. In school sticking my nose in a book helped me not get picked on (even by a PE teacher, who coached my classmates into calling me names and hitting me). Crying got me in trouble at home. At 10 I had a detailed suicide plan.
Last weekend I was asked about dating in high school. I didn’t date in high school not even asked out. But I was happy to have a small group of friends. Crushes, PE, weaknesses were ammunition for being attacked. Married, my ex would say I was beautiful, but he didn’t want to touch me except in public, and I was friendless. Bosses called me stupid, yet I was the one to call to fix things. Any weakness I showed was attacked; yet I am the healer, the counselor.
My brain understand these are opposite messages. My brain understands the negative things are just that and are something I need to let go. Yet hiding behind books growing up, being cut off later, I have very few friends locally and then they are often busy with parental duties. So I find myself wondering how to make friends…
Part of this is my own fault, because while I said a few months ago I would ask for help, but still don’t actively seek friends. Calling people, visiting people are in the “don’t be a burden” memory banks. So I trust a limited one or two and continue to feel isolated and unable to balance the opposites.
Then at Unseminar 7, after a speaker,upon standing, I felt the wave hit. Shaking hands meant my blood sugar dropped. I told Maggie I was going to get a candy bar, she saw my hands and told me to sit, and Bill to watch me. Suddenly there were people every where. Lynette behind me. Rahdi, Jayson, and others, I don’t know who, because I was suddenly hot, my heart was beating like war drums. My fumbling fingers couldn’t open a stupid banana, I was weak…
and there was no attack…
no one saying you are a failure, crybaby, idiot, you shoulda this, you shoulda that…
Suddenly I had a protein bar, meal bar and banana, which Jayson opened when he saw I couldn’t get it open. Lynette fanned my neck, and someone helped me slip off the shirt jacket I was wearing. Bill tested my blood. …
and I was loved…
I am loved.
How do I say thank you?
How can I be a friend?
So I ask for help… please teach me to be a friend…
In the dictionary, the definition of friend is: “A person whom one knows, likes & trusts”. I find it interesting that you ask us to “teach” you how to be a friend. MJ, you simple ARE a friend. No searching here. No instruction needed. Just you, showing up, being the beautiful, amazing human being that you are. That is the blessing. You!
Your friend Lynette
First off, I want to applaud you for your public vulnerability and allow me to give you a virtual hug (and a real one if you make it up to North Dallas!).
Second, keep affirming that you are loved because you are. 🙂
Lynette: ♥ Thank you. Thank you for talking to me and helping me sort my thoughts. My brain gets a bit cluttered sometimes. ♥
Carol:♥ Now we have each other’s numbers & North Dallas/Plano area is an area I enjoy. We will have to meet up and exchange real hugs. ♥
Stella ♥ Jack O Lantern Pizzas is all I have to say: be there! Oh wait no… I am the one bringing the pizzas. So I guess I have to be there… Seriously w/ the change at your house last month I will feel a lot more comfortable. ♥
Kate ♥ Thank you! It was wonderful meeting you as well. I have been online for several years, but just now feel safe, even as I continually expose my weaknesses. ♥
I 2nd what Carol said . . . keep affirming that you are loved because you are . . . and by MANY more than me & my family! 🙂
I’m so glad to hear that your UN7 friends were there for you & am sure that they always will be if you trust (a difficult thing, I know) in them. I’m sorry that I’m busy w/ parental duties so often, but it doesn’t mean that I love, care, or am concerned about you any less. You’re always welcome over here whenever you need us. I’ve gotten in the habit of trying not to “invite” you cuz I don’t want you to feel obligated when so often the kids seem to make you nervous, & I figure you know we’re here when you need us & are ready. Remember . . . I “share” a lot of your struggles from negative life experiences and don’t want to be a burden on you anymore than you want to be on others. So, keep in mind you have an open invite whenever you’re prepared for chaos! LOL!
We love you, Aunt “Marfa”!
Love & God bless,
Wow, MJ. YOur life sounds somewhat similar to how I grew up. Very few friends until eleven years ago at the age of 40. Was literally “shunned” by my former grade school friends the first day of high school for no known reason.
It was a pleasure meeting you at UnSeminar 7 and I do have to tell you one thought I had about you while I was there.
I thought, I wish I fit in as well as MJ does here. Everybody just loves her. Just want you to know people were talking about you that weekend, and it was in such a loving way.
I do understand the feelings you have expressed,though. I met my online quilting buddies 11 years ago and in their forum, I’ve become almost a “rock star”. Everyone wants to meet me and to be my friend.
It’s so hard to accept that people can like you just because you are YOU after the way people have treated you all your life. But it’s TRUE!
YOu just gotta find the right people and my dear, I believe you have.
Best wishes and BIG HUGS from Illinois.
MJ…you are a beautiful and amazing woman! Reading your post brought back to me my own struggles with loneliness, friendship, etc. As I slipped into those times in months past, I was constantly reminded by that inner voice that I was focusing on what I didn’t have rather than giving thanks for what I DO have. Every time I shifted my focus to giving thanks for the people who were in my life, for the relationships that DID exist, it shifted those feelings of depression and sorrow to thankfulness and contentment. It’s a process…but one well worth it. And as I continue to practice that shift on an ongoing basis, amazing things are happening. New friendships have begun…new business JVs have formed, I met an amazing woman, my relationship with my daughters has grown…all because of being thankful and focused on what I DO have rather than on what I don’t.
You, my dear, are surrounded by many wonderful and amazing people…not all close, but who care about you none-the-less, as demonstrated above. Hold your head high, smile really big, and KNOW that you are a valuable, smart and beautiful woman! Missed seeing you at UN7!
You are so loved and I look forward to coming to visit and play in the studio! Launch through the words of growth and jump on the trampoline to bring laughter! You are soooooooooooooooo loved!
Thank you for such heartfelt, authentic words. Meeting you and getting to know you was one of my Unseminar 7 intentions that I am delighted to say came to pass on a beautiful Texas afternoon in Wimberly. Since being back home, my thoughts have traveled back to how wonderful the things we shared were. I loved our talk. You are a gentle, sensitive, loving, intelligent, beautiful young women, and we share big DREAMS.
There are no coincidences and how things come to pass can be amazing learning experiences. Words don’t teach as much as life experiences do. The paradoxes of life can point to what we WANT especially when we are swimming in the soup of what we don’t want. Tony said it well by encouraging the FOCUS on what you WANT. Your words wake us up to how humans can swing back and forth in the extremes of emotion from being extremely joyous one moment to sad and lonely the next.
Speaking from experience, I can say that I have had to force myself out of the house as mule headed as I can be— I work and work for days non-stop on a project. Did I mention that I am still learning how to ask for help?
Depression for me always was a signal that something needed to change. Most of the time it was my own thoughts that were keeping me STUCK. Other times I was not nourishing my own SOUL with the kinds of things that I needed and love so that I could feel alive. One of my favorite resources is Julia Cameron’s book, “The Artist’s Way, A Spiritual Path to Creativity.” She offers more enlightened words on the topic.
Also speaking of changes,ROAD TRIPS can offer great adventures—Sugar Land is a wonderful place to visit, so come on down when feeling so inclined, we can continue that talk… Thanks again for your authenticity, it is refreshing and makes me just love you more.
” I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.” —Duke Ellington
” Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” —Anais Nin
You are sooooooo loved and appreciated!
Be blessed my friend,
MJ, It was an honor and privelege to meet you at Unseminar7. I’m so glad we got to opportunity to hang out on Monday and get to know each other better! I want you to know I consider you my friend and look forward to getting to know you better. You are loved and and very deserving of love!!