I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it. ~ Audrey Hepburn
My heart bleeds.
No, I don’t mean literally… but then again…
If I could I would give blood 5 times each and every year. My vow every year however is to donate 4 times, but I’ve only done that once or twice. The place I go is open once a week, except when they don’t come. It also means I have to be healthy, not-tired, and have time on that specific day. However, with my next donation I will have donated 3 gallons of blood. Odd facts: That is 24 pints. The average human has 10 pints of blood in their body.
It takes 30 minutes to an hour to donate, a day or two of feeling a bit tired or weak. Each donation could save up to 3 lives. 3. Someone given a bit more time… with family… with friends… to make a difference.
My parents replaced two computers and I decided to get rid of my Wii this year. I gave all 3 of these to one family. The mom asked me why. They have five children, three are adopted. They help others. And she asked why I didn’t sell them… “I know you need the money.” Truth is yes, money is nice, especially considering the shortage of clients this year. But the computers and Wii made a difference in their lives.
In “another life” I was a tax professional. I enjoyed solving for the equation that got the person the most money back. And now I realize, I enjoyed taxes so much because the result could make a difference. But as the goal became getting more and more money for the company, I felt like I was selling my soul.
Because I wasn’t making a difference…
Previously I gave a computer to another person with five children. Told her she would need to get a virus program as soon as possible. She didn’t. It had problems soon after, “because she got a junk computer.” It didn’t make a difference in her life.
A client over the summer kept saying she would tell people about the site I created, after I fixed this, then that, then the other… my work didn’t make a difference in her life.
Because of lack of clients, I wasn’t able to Christmas shop like I normally do. This bothered me greatly, and a friend advised me that my family would rather I didn’t spend the money with finances tight. While that is very true, I felt horrible. Because in a normal year…
I am “that” gift-giver
My shopping is done before Thanksgiving. The item mentioned by someone on my list, but was out of my normal budget, I waited until it was on sale. Then I added a coupon. I got it in my budget. It’s hidden. The person is going to be shocked, and before they worry, I’ll say “I got it on sale so you could enjoy it!”
I bought that shirt will make the gift receiver smile. Or maybe it was the item that was pointed out, with “OMG I’d love to have that!” Maybe it was the “The LEDs are going out on my clock.” Perhaps it is that I noticed the Kindle’s cover is looking ragged. I’ve shopped and bought the best bang for the buck. Because the person says, “Wow, how did you?” and then smile, it made a difference.
And if I come across a perfect gift for someone not on my list and it’s the right price to make them happy without them feeling guilty… I’ll buy it. Because that gift will make them smile which makes a difference in their day.
Unfortunately Christmas time has always been when I’m strapped for cash (even more so this year) so I don’t get the Salvation Army Angels. But in years previous I have bought holiday stuffed animals in the discount bin after the respective holiday, cut off any holiday stuff, and given it to “Toys for Tots.”
And I did make Vanilla this year. It took 2 months to make, so it shocked the people I gave it to that I made them a gift… 2 months before Christmas. And 3 of them were beyond thrilled.
What does that have to do with these confessions?
Years ago, I started writing a “Web-log” back in the days when it was still two words. I was bad about starting a journal in one notebook, then writing another post in another, and having 4 notebooks with a few entries in each.
So I started writing online to help uncover the feelings that I kept buried and to “talk to someone” since no one was listening.
A year or so later, I logged in to write another entry and there was a comment… “I felt so alone… I didn’t realize anyone (else) felt like that.”
I was shocked, but kind of decided it was a “freak accident” she had stumbled across it.
But then a few months later it happened again. And again. And again.
I’ve grown. I’ve discussed things here both painful and happy. I’ve torn myself open and lit the darkness inside myself. I’ve also hidden from writing here (another confession for another day), and I’ve written posts to avoid the truth inside.
I’ve also shared happiness of life, and the changes in my life.
But why is the rum gone?
Sorry… I meant why the confessions?
Because no matter how dark, how painful my confessions… I know I’m not alone. And maybe it will make a difference in your life. Maybe in how you see someone else. Maybe in how you see your own darkness. Maybe you’ll share a post with someone else so they don’t feel so alone.
Because feeling alone, is scary. And I want to make a difference.
Confession 1 I have PTSD
Confession 2 Trying Not to Hate Me
Confession 3 I am mad at God
Confession 4 Not entirely over anorexia
MJ, you are right ON with this! And, don’t just take my word for it, others have been saying that the path to enlightenment is through a dark room…..”One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light but by making the darkness conscious” Carl Jung…..You, MJ, are one of the brave souls who is making this “disagreeable and therefore not very popular” journey public. You are truly a light in the darkness!!
Getting to the place of peace, balance, and wholeness requires an integration of the dark and the light, otherwise we are out of balance. The only way that I have found my way to light (lasting, not fleeting), is THROUGH the dark.
You are an inspiration and a light!
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Love this. You are a beautiful soul, MJ. Don’t ever think otherwise.
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