Confession 2: I’m mad. I’m angry. I hate.
I’ve been working on these feelings, because they were extremely large… like Incredible Hulk large… and raging like him.
But who am I most mad at? Who makes me angry most of all? Who do I hate?
Me.
Frans Van Mieris (I) -Woman before the Mirror
I have screamed in the mirror and told that person standing there “I HATE YOU!!!” “YOU ARE WORTHLESS!” “HOW DID YOU GET TO BE SUCH A F* UP?” “CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?”
Obviously these were true, since I heard them from people who shouldn’t tell their friend, employee, or girlfriend such things.
For years, anger and hatred were the only emotions I had.
It started with locking away one emotion, then another, and before I knew it they were all gone. (Except at night when I cried myself awake). But I was the “wife” that my husband wanted, just a shadow in the background that worked 2 or 3 jobs, and fixed dinners I didn’t eat.
Years later when I started to bring my emotions to the surface again, a whole series of events happened that made me realize trying to deal with emotions locked inside for 7 years was “unsafe” in the environment I was in.
But keeping all emotions in check is difficult for Vulcans (Star Trek reference). And locking those emotions away builds silent waves that grow into a Tsunami of rage, anger and hatred.
I lash out…
I lash out at others unfortunately, which only increases my rage, anger, and self-hatred.
And I am terribly sorry if I have lashed out at you. I’m terribly sorry for being so angry.
What’s Wrong With Me?
One of my first memories is of when I was 3 or so. One grandmother questioning “What’s wrong with *her*?” because of the way I was sitting. The other rebuffed her. What she said, I don’t remember. But this question has been on my mind many times since.
In School, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t make friends like others do?” “What’s wrong with me that I have to hide in books?” “What’s wrong with me that the kids at church want my cousin at camp but not me?”
In Marriage, “What’s wrong with me that he won’t touch me?” In marriage and other relationships “What’s wrong with me that he ignores me?” “Am I just supposed to be silent?” “Do I not matter?”
“What’s wrong with me that people keep telling me I’m crazy?” “Why am I such a screw up? I must be… since friends and bosses keep saying it.” “Am I really so horrible that I’m lucky they would ‘even put up with me?'”
Why was I raped? Why do I attract these people? What is so f*ing wrong with me that this is the life I deserve? I must be one messed up person.
And the hatred grew and grew.
Finally I realized I shouldn’t hate me, and I started trying to love me…
But My Self-Hatred isn’t gone…
Now after years of work, it still rears its ugly head. Why would a client send me a (shaped like a male organ) candle? Then expect a public thank you? I’m not a prude, but this wasn’t an appropriate gift. What’s wrong with me that she’d send that??? What’s wrong with me that I can’t go from technical to explaining benefits of my services? (I have been told many times I explain features not benefits and that’s why my services don’t sell.) What’s wrong with me that people say I’m mad-skilled but I don’t have enough clients? What’s wrong with me that I can work on something for someone and they don’t appreciate it?
But now the self-hatred is often replaced with huge self-disappointment.
And so sometimes I disappear from Social Media, because I am upset with the disappointment that is me. And when it’s gone on for a while I seek help via Social Media using various methods to ask for encouragement… because I’m trying to break the downward spiral…
But I’m not just mad at me… and that post is for tomorrow…
- Confession 1 I have PTSD
- Confession 2 Trying Not to Hate Me
- Confession 3 I am mad at God
- Confession 4 Not entirely over anorexia
- Confession 5
- Confession 6 A Terrible Need for Affection
- Confession 7 I am happy
- Confession 8 These Confessions are Surprising to Me
- Confession 9b: I am a Highly Sensitive Person
