Last week I posted Lent can mean Let’s Eliminate Negative Thinking, which was the end of that thought… or so I thought. But after chatting with Prince, who has been my sweetheart some 30 odd years, and Martha Giffen I decided to try to keep this thought going week by week until Easter. There are so many ways Negative Thinking seeps into our beings, changing that process can not be done in one week.
Sadly the topic this week has presented itself in multiple ways. A friend is in a women’s shelter. Another friend is dealing with someone’s suicide. Friends have lost jobs. A friend is dealing with the emotional scars from her father.
Growing up, I often heard “Born backwards, always backwards” and how I seemed to make a lot of mistakes, it seemed I could do nothing right. The lessons learned included “do not cry” and “always smile.” They did what they could, and it’s made me who I am.
But as I got older, life got more complicated. The mistakes made were bigger, and to keep anyone from knowing the pain going on, I buried them. But this meant I kept a miscarriage secret from everyone for years. I buried an assault so deep I forgot about it, until 3 months ago, and finally talked about this past week. Yet, I am a strong person, while I appear weak to some right now, it is just my body, mind and soul working past all these things. These things are part of a story I must tell, so I can stand on a soapbox and preach love.
Life is difficult. Life is painful. Life is hard. Yet, look at the other side of the coin. Life is also beautiful. Life is wonderful. Life is love.
The funny thing about a coin. You can’t see both sides at once. When you focus on the dark side of the life, unfortunately all you see is darkness. It becomes easier to see more things going wrong, more things that are painful. Solutions you know won’t end problems seem to make sense. Negative thoughts from the past make those solutions easier.
Yet those solutions typically trade one set of problems for another. Even worse the solutions that wouldn’t normally make sense, wind up hurting others. Avoiding problems as they crop up, does nothing but delay the inevitable.
For years, I didn’t deal with my miscarriage or the reasons why it happened. In that time, I blamed myself for more and more things, and walked an increasingly darker path. This is when I was assaulted, and I buried it all. There were times I stood upon that precipice of which there is no return, that solution would hurt others. So I walked a fine line of self-destruction that could go fairly unnoticed. This built a growing and teetering tower of problems.
Negative thinking is why I didn’t deal with these problems sooner. Negative thinking built the tower ever higher. Finally dealing with the miscarriage in 2003 started this path back toward the light.
Then something happened July 20th, 2008, I ended a 5 year relationship and felt the warmth of the sun. Since then the rocks from my teetering tower are falling, and I am having deal with the pain that created them, but I feel the warmth, others say they see me glow.
Here’s the summation of this story. People tell us negative thoughts, they give us negative advice, and more negative. It’s easy to accept these as facts, but they aren’t. The demons you fight today, you can slay. If they seem impossibly huge, then deal with one small demon first. That teetering tower of rocks can be taken down one rock at a time… by you. Take that tower down by finding the love, the hope, the single flower in bloom that gives you joy.
You, yes you. Look in the mirror, all the negative things, all the bad things, all the love, all the hugs, all the smiles given to you, have created that person who is looking at you from the mirror. That person is you, and you are the most beautiful you there is. You are the perfect you.
Love,
MJ
My heart goes out to you, MJ – I fully understand the grief of losing an unborn child. To have not had any emotional support after that makes me sad to the point of tears for you. Until one can fully experience and process the grief, the pain cannot subside no matter how deeply we bury it. Kudos to you for working your way through it. Loving thoughts of emotional healing are being directed to you today. May your joy multiply until it completely overpowers and eliminates your pain. Blessings to you.
My Sweetheart, you are now and always have been a phenomenal and very resilient person. I witnessed it first-hand for about 13 years. Believe it or not, I was paying attention whether near or from afar. I remember a great moment and conversation that night in Greenville back in 2000. I further remember us reconnecting around ’03/’04 and you were an extraordinarily supportive friend during a rough time for me as well, even though we were over 1000 miles apart. (Oh, I don’t forget things like that!). One of the things that no one person can take away from you is that you’re consistently YOU! I love that about you. Thanks for sharing and allowing us to be a part of your purging, healing and coming to ‘the light of things’. Keep walking in that direction and we’ll walk with you. I’ve told you before that our footsteps are pretty identical. The path is rough, but the path is ours. Godspeed to you and those suffering around you. Here’s my part: I am going to share a piece of something with you everyday for the next 15 or so days….starting today. You’re welcome to keep it to yourself or share with whomever you like. At the end of that time I want you to give me your address and I’m going to send a package to you in the mail. It is for you to keep, as a gift from me to you. As Janelle said, “Blessings to you!”
Pride And Pain
How can something*
Of which I’m so proud*
Often put me out of place*
When convening with a crowd*
Yet something so futile*
So little in regard*
Create cruel vendettas*
And make life so hard*
No explanation to be found*
Vague origins yet to be known*
Malice, spite, hate, disgust*
Expel from the very bone*
The dire contempt is causes within me*
Submerged in the blood that flows throughout me*
Cannot be expressed, the world cannot see*
And though this feeling is not only with me*
Shall it ever dissolve*
The burden it bestows*
Among the countless sums of us*
Think again, it only grows*
Through trials and tribulations*
This thing still remains*
And matters not how exploited*
I’d simply never change*
I’d rather endure the hardship*
Yes, time and time again*
I simply cannot help*
The color of my skin*
-Prince Selvage III
April 1990
MJ, You ARE beautiful. You have the most precious spirit! As I read your story, I am so aware of your courage!! Opening your heart for others to benefit is so powerful. You ARE being healed and in the process YOU are healing others! What an inspiration you are! Peace to you 🙂