I started this post on Thursday. See my Facebook went down Tuesday night and didn’t come back until Friday. During that time I wasn’t able to connect with friends, check on anyone or share that someone said “that’s pacifically what I said” and I wanted to say “to the Ocean?” but … I couldn’t. My Facebook page was a blank page.
After Friday things changed, ao today I combine the two posts as one…
And on Friday morning 28 people, 20 of them just starting life met their end. Mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, will be burying little hearts that went into their day the same as they had before.
Around the globe 22 children were wounded by a knife attack in China.
The problem isn’t guns or not. These attackers had needs that were not met. Be those needs from mental illness or pains that turned into outbursts that created more pain and suffering.
The friends and family of 28 people (yes, including the shooter) in the United States are now standing at a crossroads. None will ever go back to life as it was, but do they let the pain and suffering over take their souls?
Some people have been known to go so deep into grief that they forget about the family even the other children who survived. Others slip into depression and forget the beauty of the world. And still others become so angry that every life they touch from here on feels that anger and hatred.
Some will become vigilantes, going overboard in keeping people safe. Some will strive so much to help others they may forget that the one close to them need help as well.
Some members of the family will go on and develop self-destructive habits. This can be drugs, alcohol abuse, shopping when there is no money, cutting, and seeking out abusive relationships.
On the alternate, some will become vigilantes for good. Some will seek out other children and try to make the world better not only for their children but others as well. They will seek to help others. Some will strive for more peace and more love. They will strive for to give more to the world…
Yet there is a limit to what one can give. I am at that limit. I said I thought of being more open and honest with my friends,with you my readers. I am open about my past, about abuse, about how I think we should strive for more. But I haven’t been open about my present.
I’ve leaped in faith. Jumped into a world ready to leave behind the 9 to 5 life. Left behind a monthly client that stopped paying regularly, even though it was good pay when the client paid. But I haven’t been able to step into accepting help that’s offered to me or that people really do want to help me or that people are willing to pay when I can sometimes do in minutes what takes others hours.
Not being able to go to Facebook I realized I don’t actually reach out and contact my friends enough on a personal level. I answer questions about how I am with quick answers that don’t allow them in or me to release until it all builds up and I overflow in emotion. And while it’s great that I no longer overflow in anger and self-loathing, now I overflow in tears and stop reaching to those who would help me. There are times when things need to be shared on FB on personal pages and times when things need to be shared via text or phone (since only a few of you live where I live). And there are times when I must be honest enough to tell you my readers my truth.
There are limits to what any of us can give.
Right now, I’d love to give money to those who are still hurting from Hurricane Sandy, to those who must live with the loss from Friday, to those who have lived a life of little who are homeless or don’t have clothes to wear, here or in Mexico. And yet this week I need to ask my mom for money for bills… and I have been sleeping on a camp air mattress for 2 months, because the old mattress had gotten too soft for me and it hurt me too much to sleep.
2 months. That’s how long I had partners and went with NO INCOME only business expenses.
2 months ago, if I had not changed so much over the past 2 years, 2 months ago I would have disappeared off Facebook, much much more of life. I wouldn’t have walked my dogs or gone out of the house, due to the abusive words of “Pat” my business who refused to allow me a weekend break.
And in the past 2 months I’ve had 3 clients, which is enough to keep the lights on and my hosting running.
I’ve been depressed over the loss of a friend (Pat). Depressed that it seems these “friends” are fine as long as I do what they want but if I say “No, I deserve me time TOO” I need to make massive changes or I don’t deserve friends. I’m depressed that I am still sleeping on a camp mattress. Depressed over people willing to ask for my help but not willing to pay anything. Past Clients willing to make me into an indentured servant because they paid me and now whenever they need anything related to what I set up, I should help for free.
And because I have been depressed, and I haven’t asked for help with the feelings in my heart, nor answered any “How can I help?” with the answers of please buy me dinner and let’s talk or please help me get clients or please tell me what you need so I can help you help me get clients … I have little left to give…
I plan to give blood the last weekend of the year. That’ll be 8 weeks the minimum time between which a bit closer than I prefer. (8 weeks is hard for most people) I am trying to reach out to more of my friends, but then there is the exception of “as long as it doesn’t require money.” But I don’t want to miss the hockey game or not go out to eat. I don’t like being unable to send money to help children…
I don’t like not being honest when people ask how I am, and I say fine, when I really mean I need to get more clients… I am not being honest by not valuing my experience enough to say while it only took me 10 minutes, it took you 2 hours before you contacted me, and it is my years of experience that teaches me this.
So I ask, please help me reach clients.
And since people have asked what I do, here is my best answer. “I secure your reputation online. With WordPress branding and security I make certain your website reputation is safe. With branding and management I make certain your social media is building your reputation… If you are ready for your reputation to grow talk to me.” My website is Media Guard Group, and tell them to mention your name. My services all require conversations with the clients so I pay finders fees instead of using affiliate links.
And if I should be talking to you more… TELL ME!!!
Live, Love, Grow,
PS I started doing 28 random acts of kindness today. Commit to making 28 random acts of kindness to show the world still has love and hope.