“I don’t ever post anything bad on Facebook. *YOU* shouldn’t if you are going to post success things.”  Thus begins a lecture from someone who has a book on how to get rich, who makes just enough to cover her Virtual assistant.  “You are lucky don’t have kids” she tells me.  While I had to give up my dream of having children I have no right to be upset because she lost one (and then had 2 more).

Her calls then dissolves into a gossip fest, asking about various people and if I think they are going to reach success before “us” when she really means her. She calls when she needs something or to lecture me about talking about children or boyfriends.  She’s been married for 20 years but apparently she knows what it’s like to be single for 20 years.

At least I am real. I am not lying about being rich or being happy 100% of the time.

I get tired of being told by people who are married with children that they are alone all the time “just like you.” 95% of my meals are alone even at a restaurant. Not that you can’t be alone with others. 3 days of marriage and I thought of calling my parents to pick me up from the honeymoon. 5 words were spoken in 4 hours that morning. The last boyfriend wasn’t much better in that regard. He got mad at me several times and we drove 2 hours here or there with a dozen words, typically mine, in trying to get him to talk.

Broken Promises

My life has been full of broken promises. I realize everyone has them, but… see people tell me I need to think more positively. But here’s the routine.

Someone promises me something, like a Cowboys Jersey. (the team is not the point non-Cowboys fans) Well, I get all excited. I’ve wanted a jersey for so long. In fact I got Luna a jersey because I couldn’t afford to get me one! So I am waiting anxiously…. excitedly… and waiting …. and waiting…

Well, I have been promised a jersey 4 times by the last boyfriend and twice by the one before.

When I decided to get involved in cards again. This sponsor talked me up, told me all the ways he’d help. He has never called me since I got involved. Not even sent me a card.

People promise me things. I get excited. I mean lay awake and grin my fool head off and believe “this will happen” and then I think well maybe soon, well maybe tomorrow, I mean there’s a delay… Finally I have to accept that once again it didn’t. So where is the lack of positive on my part?

“What happens if you throw a party and no one shows up?”

Well, you stand at the bar with your bag of Leis and your party hats and when the bartender asks you say, “They probably didn’t get off work…” knowing they did. Or the next year, the friends that were supposed to show last year promise to be your designated driver and leave you at the bar… alone.

“Wow, you are negative”

Really? This is what happened. How is it negative when it happened. This is facts, and some people forget that I don’t fully understand relationships but what I really don’t get is making promises for someone and not keeping them.

Like people who promise to pay me and they don’t. They do not have to pay me no matter how much work I do, especially if they decide to “go another direction.” But I had to pay the vet for Luna’s biopsy this week, and it doesn’t matter that it cost much more than I charge for that amount of time.

“Be happy, don’t ever complain. My daddy taught me that.”

I am glad for people who were “daddy’s girl” but some of us didn’t have that peachy relationship. I am real. I am tired of being told that if I believe differently everything will turn out rosey. Let’s get real people. My legs are not almost solid muscle cause I “believe” they are, but because I walk daily. I don’t care how much you believe that pile o’ sh*t is gonna smell like roses, it’s gonna smell like sh*t until a rose bush grows there and blooms roses.

“You never know…”

Was the reason I should meet a guy at a bar whom I, nor this other friend knows. I was out with friends at a bar and they gave him my number. He knows nothing about me, other than that and invites me to another bar. Personally I am only comfortable at bars when I am with my friends…. yet I should just run and go meet this guy…. and once again I get the “you aren’t positive lecture.”

I get lectured about spending money when for 2 years I didn’t spend anything. I get lectured about going out. I get lectured about staying home all the time. I get lectured about not working enough. I get lectured about working all the time. The people at church tell me how horrible it is that my neighbor lives alone… and I wonder who lives with me and why they aren’t paying the bills.

Call me negative. This post has done more for my feeling positive than all these people lecturing me about how negative I am and how positive I should be.

Call me unrealistic, while waving your book about how to be rich doing something that hasn’t made you rich.

I’ve been called worse. I’ve been told I’m evil, awful, mean, horrible, ugly, dumb, stupid, etc… I’ve been called names that are not printable here…

You know rather than tell me that I am negative, unrealistic, or should go out with someone I do not know, if you really are a friend… why not show me some kindness. I try really hard to spread love. I fail … but I try… can’t you understand that I am sitting here Friday, thinking, I could hang out with people at a bar, which makes me uncomfortable unless I am with friends or watch a DVD… I think I’ll do the DVD.

I do believe Sandra Bullock is asking me to watch Blind Side… My hope is that you will continue to read my blog… because truth is, I am not negative, I am me, a flawed person who wants good things and wants more friends… what’s wrong with that.

Yours truly,

MJ Schrader