We should do lunch you say. Catch up you say.
It’s been years my friend. We are different people than we were then.

I know I was very different. It’s been lifetimes since then, even if the actual number is closer to 15.

To borrow from Star Trek…

“you were and always shall be my friend.”

You were one of the few things that kept me from caving into the darkness that consumed my life. You came into my work, you smiled, you laughed, you were happy, and it always made me smile on the inside even if I didn’t smile on the outside.

alice2So in catching up do I tell you what you didn’t know then?

You watched as I slowly lost weight, even the will to live.  I wasn’t happily married, and if it weren’t for guys like you and our mutual friend; my boss, I would have believed I was the toad he made me feel like.

Last time I saw you, I was recently divorced, and disappointed you were there with your girlfriend.  But do I tell you that I was struggling to maintain my weight, struggling to eat when I wasn’t hungry?  Do I tell you I had a miscarriage, a year or 2 before and was the only person who knew it?

Do I tell you the first people I told of the miscarriage or my anorexia used it against me?

Do I tell you that 3 years ago next week, I broke up with my then best friend because she wanted me to count calories for her so she could eat the minimum to exist?   And I realized a real friend wouldn’t be asking an ex-anorexic to do something that could trigger it.

Do I tell you last time I saw you I thought I deserved nothing, and was talent-less.  I had a job I loved, working with a boss I loved, and for a boss I hated.  That boss told me daily what a screwup I was.  And I replaced her with another who was just like her, but the job was one I hated.

Do I tell you lifetimes were passing?

The next boss was like the ones before. But I had changed, when she started yelling at me in front of clients, I gave her the same look of disdain she had given me so many times.  I quit that moment; even it would be 5 months before I turned in my resignation.

Do I tell you about how I dated guys who didn’t care about me but used my big heart?  I thought I met a good guy, but honestly I was in love with his family, while seemingly successful was actually as scared of life as I was years before, but he was verbally abusive, and so I ended it.

Do I tell you that I have gone from being the nerd, that people used for my intelligence or other aspects, to being the person to lock users out of my life before I tell them it’s over, so that my house and life are safe?   Do I tell you that I had to learn how to document things for personal protection and how  to protect myself?

How do I explain that I spent years with a business that was barely doing a thing, and each time bills came around it was a struggle, but I was doing what I loved?  Now after years, people have seen what that love has done, that they want that for their websites.

Do I tell you I live in love?

Do I tell you that last time I saw you, I believed that God had turned his back on me and hated me as much as my husband did?   The only thing I wasn’t scared of was death, which I chased like a fan-girl.  Waking each morning not thanking god I’m alive, but demanding why I wasn’t the one who died instead of someone else. Now I am not afraid of much, because most things are temporary, and I walk each morning thinking how wonderful life is.

Do I tell you that when I last saw you, I felt anger, darkness and moments of sorrow filled happiness?  Do I tell you that now I feel joy, happiness, and love?  Yes, love.  I love you, life, friends, internet, work, my dogs, my parents, my brother and his, I LOVE LOVE.  So I do what I can, to have more love in my life.

Do I tell you that I went from being a nerd to being a proud geek who embraces the culture? Do I tell you that I didn’t fit in then with few friends, to now where I share the same likes and interests as people around the world?  While I may not be able to talk to someone down the street about the mention of “Cinch on Legolas” on Avengers, I can with someone hundreds, even thousands of miles away?

Do I tell you that while my social media may sometimes express my feelings in the moment that my life is much brighter?  Do I say that I use social media, sometimes to be my close friend my life has lacked so often, that I say what’s on my heart at the moment? Do I tell you I love what I do so much, that I can’t always tell the difference from work, and creating, and sharing for the love of it?

Do I tell you that I write this blog?  Do I tell you that while it seems a confession of my heart, it’s also a labor of love, because I’ve grown wise enough to know that I am not alone in struggling to understand this world and this life, and maybe, just maybe my words can impact another?

Do I tell you about this letter? Or do I let it go to the universe here and know it touches the right people, even if it’s not you?