I’m mad.

I don’t want to be …. but I am.

I’m mad that I should be getting ready to leave for a seminar tomorrow, but I’m not.   I’d looked forward to this seminar for months.  The education, the networking, the getting out of the house, the working and growing and developing of friendships….

I’m mad that I got invited to another seminar and I don’t know how to afford to go.

I’m mad over the fact that grandaddy died. (silly I know and I know I can’t change it… but today it makes me mad) I’m mad that there is some family that remains on that side, but I won’t hear from them again. They’ve only called twice in the past 10 years, once was a mis-dial, the 2^nd was to tell me to take down family pictures I had on myspace… (they were hidden from most people, except my close friends and that dear cousin)  Dad’s family died 4 years ago.  Mom’s is now gone…

I’m mad that there is no future generation.  My parents, my brother, my sis-in-law and me.

I’m mad over men who only want to see my exterior, and not see the smart, compassionate, passionate person inside.

I’m mad that I don’t know what it’s like to be in MUTUAL love, to have some man love me.

I’m mad that I know how to sew, bake, do plumbing, electrical work, put up a fence, fix my car, change my oil, rotate my tires, recycle, paint, build a website, do social media, take pictures, download, upload, reorganize & recode a website, yet I don’t know how to trust someone to help me because it’s happened so seldom. It’s changing (so thank you to those who are helping me and those who are helping me to trust and open up)

I’m mad that my main client is restructuring and one of the new people does not contribute to the team chat except to tell me where I am wrong. I’m mad over the fact I keep forgetting they are my main client not my job, and I need more clients to make more income and help more people.

I’m mad over the fact that I was building a buffer in my checking, and decided to get some things fixed around the house and now I have to deposit all my cash in the bank and have $15 for the rest of the month.

I’m mad that I am working on scheduling my life, to do more in less time by being more productive and I’m failing miserably (yes, right now and it will change but right now I’m mad).

I’m mad over the fact that I still live in a house that was supposed to be my residence for only 4 years and I hate my tiny yard.

I’m mad that I wanted children and there are people who have them and treat them badly or ignore them entirely, and I didn’t have any. The missing friend was nice enough to point that out last time she contacted me and stated how my ex-husband has the most adorable little girl.

I’m mad over my business, I want to grow it…. but I’m not certain how. Tech in Heels and yet I build web presence. Does that work together? What about with my inspirational self? That really does not fit in with the web-presence stuff, but I live my life out-loud because I know where my life was so painful, hopefully I can help others…..

I’m mad that I haven’t written a book when I have literally books and books worth of material that i’ve written.

I don’t want to be mad today…. but I am. So I guess it’s where I need to be today for whatever reason, since I can’t seem to make myself happy or even stop crying today.  I’m mad that I’m mad, but far better than to be Spock and have no emotions….

Yea, this not being spock thing? Not so fun TODAY…. but today is not forever; we forget that sometimes.

Living La Vida Loca,

MJ Schrader