With one statement she brought me to tears. It wouldn’t be the last time I cried that weekend, nor that week. And for days it seemed tears were always on the edge of spilling over.
Accidentally stepping on a ball the week before, smashing into a wall so hard it left bruises on my shoulder, knee and head (that order of seriousness) and twisting my back muscles in attempt to save myself, I didn’t cry. In fact later I laughed over it… (as much as you can laugh after being very sore from hitting a wall.)
What did she say that brought me to tears?
“You need to stop running after everything… you have too many goals” Stephanie Raindow Bell was doing some spiritual coaching. Renee Corbett is my work coach, so this was different. Stephanie told me her goals and how she was told to focus on one.
How could I sacrifice writing for WordPress? How could I sacrifice coding for writing? How could I sacrifice friendship now that I am finally developing friends? Do I really have to choose just one?
I had already made a commitment to something… driving hours to help a friend after surgery. The friend “didn’t need help” but there was more to it than helping the friend. I wasn’t certain what that was.
Was it to show that asking for help was not a bad thing? I used to think asking for help was bad. Was it to show being a devoted friend?
The drive there left me still reeling from her statement and wondering how devoted, her statement, helping the friend, the varying “work” projects, and my dog being in the back seat, were related. They all were. But how? Why?
The weekend turned into just a 20 hour visit, that included tearing pickets off a fence then putting them back. (Thank you Dad for long ago training me to always carry tools in my trunk.) Somehow this was related as well, I knew it. How could all this random be related? It was so confusing.
At the Texas welcome station the security guard stopped to ask about my dog. He told me about his dog, where he was from, how his dad had surgery after his internal organs twisted and how close life and death were. At a Jimmy Johns I saw the VW bug below.
This was an adventuresome weekend.
Yet as I dismissed the apologies of my friend and said the trip was about resolving questions… my answers were still muddy. Then the dear friend made a huge faux pas for me. “Where do you meet men?” “You should do meetups.”
Suddenly the last relationship, and many of the ones before came flooding back. I was nauseated, sweating and crying so hard I couldn’t see. Yet finally answers started flooding in. Whatever reason they may have loved pieces of me, but not the whole me. The coder, writer, pet owner, painter, walker, vitamin eating, sweet addicted, fried hater, that I am. I am just now getting friends who love the whole me.
But there it was… the answer. It was what I had mouthed earlier, but the full power of it hit.
I am devoted to just one thing… LOVE
I love coding WordPress websites. It’s my drug.
I love writing. It’s part of who I am.
I love to paint. It’s my release.
I love my friends. They are my heart outside of me.
I love my family. It may be small, but they are my family.
I love my pets, they make my house home.
I love my computer, for it contains my writing, websites, and friends.
I went on that trip, not to help my friend, or showing that asking for help wasn’t bad, I went because love was there and more love was needed for healing. The dog was in the backseat because the temps were dropping, yes, but I needed her love for backup. This was the same love that was in my heart when I gave a friend a long saved $100 bill while unemployed.
The whole trip there and back, “I love you” is what I repeated.
The one word theme is about one goal. Devoted to love. Getting rid of anything that is not love, and developing and strengthening anything that is.
If someone uses guilt or shame to try to get me to do something, it is not love. So their request will be denied. The friend whom I do not trust with personal information will still be kept at arm’s length, because that is where the love is, no closer.
I’ve been more richly blessed in ways I can not express since then. Little things, writing has flowed easier. More coding work. A new client. Surprises from friends. Sweet messages that have meant the world. Long missed sleep.
So what is your lesson? I am not certain. Perhaps pick your goal. Make it just one goal. Cut away everything that is not your goal. Grow what is… take daily action steps towards it. You will grow.
Live, Rock On, Love